Carer Data base: 3499

"Never doubt that a small group of committed citizens can change the world.
Indeed, it's the only thing that ever has."

This is so true and just beautiful:
‘Moko’ refers to an image often facial (but including other body sites) and could also be a person’s mark or signature. Puna refers to a spring or pond. When you combine the words, you have an image reflected in a pool. This is true of a grandparent’s relationship to a grandchild; it is the grandchild that is the image of the grandparent. When the grandparent looks at the grandchild, they see their reflection, they see their mokopuna.’
Acknowledgment:
Maori family culture: a context of youth development in Counties/Manukau
Shane Edwards: Tim McCreanor: Helen Moewaka-Barnes: Te Ropu Whariki.

Recommended Reading: Managing Mayhem. By Marilyn Waring.
Who Cares for the Caregiver is the question. This book is particularly relevant to Grandparents who are raising children who are challenging. Our very own Jill Worrall has written a chapter as well. Put you name down at your local Library or purchase price is $42.95.

Birth to Puberty: Great reading.
From Birth to Puberty is a practical guide to the parenting skills needed to help your child develop a healthy sexuality. Every parent wants their child to grow up healthy, to have committed, loving relationships and lasting friendships. Central to this is the development of a healthy sexuality.
How do you help your child achieve this? The book shows how to treat children's sexual development as a positive, natural part of their lives. Topics include:
• The first 12 years of children's sexual development
• The difference between child and adult sexuality
• How to manage specific sexuality issues with your child
• How you develop open, honest communication about sex with them, based on your family values
• How to prepare your child for puberty and future relationships
• Tips and activities for you and your child
With these parenting skills you will develop healthy two-way communication about sexuality with your child. By the time they feel sexual attractions as teenagers you will have helped them gain the skills they need to care for themselves. They will make healthy decisions based on a strong set of values. And your relationship with your daughter or son will be enhanced.

Available in most book stores for approx $20 check it out on www.frombirthtopuberty.com. Great answers for those sometimes hard to answer questions.

"If you want your child to be successful in their relationships as they grow up read this book."
-Dr Sue Bagshaw, President, International Association for Adolescent Health

"...invaluable to parents and caregivers in guiding their children to becoming healthy adults, comfortable with their sexuality." - Joan Plowman BN, RCpN, Coordinator, Child Health Program, Hawke's Bay District Health Board.

And whilst on this subject… Family planning Clinic’s www.fpanz.org.nz
E Nga Iwi, Tena Koutou Katoa It’s now even more affordable to visit your local FPA Clinic!

NEW Clinic fees - full list
Fees for services contracted by Ministry of Health* from 1st February 2007
- Under 22 year olds free
- All Community Service Card holders $5
- 22-24 years without CSC $20
- 45 years and over without CSC $20

The Family Planning Association New Zealand (FPA) is a leading not-for-profit organisation with a commitment to delivering quality sexual and reproductive health services. Services include - contraception, STI checks, cervical smears, fertility, menopause, vasectomy, PMS, pregnancy tests and much more. *Some services, eg Vasectomy, are not covered by MOH contract – please ask receptionist for details

SuperGold Card:
"The SuperGold Card recognises the contribution that senior citizens and veterans make to New Zealand and fulfils a commitment made as part of the confidence and supply agreement the Labour-led government has with New Zealand First," says Ruth Dyson.
"Veterans will be given special recognition for their service to our country with a separate version of the SuperGold card," says Rick Barker.

The veterans SuperGold card features poppies as part of its design. The card offers discounts for seniors with participating businesses and easy access to concessions on government and local authority services.
The card will be sent automatically to people receiving NZ Super and to eligible veterans. About 500,000 cards have been printed and are on their way to seniors and veterans. It will carry the holder's name, a number and whether the holder receives NZ Super or a Veteran's Pension, or has a Community Services Card. A photograph for ID purposes is optional.

"Cardholders' spouses who are under 65 will also be able to access the commercial discounts," said Ms Dyson.

Due to high interest in the card the Ministry of Social Development has set up a free phone number for seniors and veterans with enquiries – 0800 25 45 65. More info is available at www.supergold.govt.nz.

Teenagers!

Sometimes she’s happy
Sometimes she’s sad
Sometimes she’s helpful
Sometimes gets mad
She can argue black is white
At the end of the day she knows what’s right
Occasionally messy, won’t clean her room
Other times it’s done with a zoom
Oh indeed she loves to dine
And I am happy she is mine

Waitoki: Auckland
Thanks to Maree Hemana our Helensville Co-ordinator we were invited to speak at Waitoki this month at the Rural Women’s Institute rally. I came way very positive that all that attended have a very clear understanding of Grandparents who step in to care for their Grandchildren. They had also agreed to make GRG Trust their Charity of the year, we are very grateful. I was tickled to hear one of their members speak about the “RED HAT CLUB”. These delightful older women get all dressed up. Compulsory wearing of a red hat, red shoes, purple top and heaps of cheap bling all bought from the $2 shop. They then en mass go out, be it to a local coffee house or in the case this lady was talking about they quietly invaded a Council meeting, Oh I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall! As she said, in their Golden years they are going to have heaps of fun! Imagine seeing 20 older women walking into the same venue dressed like this! LOVE IT!

It’s Not OK - Family Violence:
None of us should expect or tolerate any controlling behaviour within families that uses fear, force, intimidation or emotional and financial abuse.
On September 4th the national Campaign for Action on Family Violence was launched, anyone experiencing this or needs to seek help can phone free on 0800 456 450
www.areyouok.org.nz

Helping Traumatized Children: Bruce D. Perry, M.D., Ph.D. - A Brief Overview for Caregivers
1. Don’t be afraid to talk about the traumatic event. Children do not benefit from 'not thinking about it' or 'putting it out of their minds'. If a child senses that his/her caretakers are upset about the event, they will not bring it up. In the long run, this only makes the child's recovery more difficult. Don't bring it up on your own, but when the child brings it up, don't avoid discussion, listen to the child, answer questions, provide comfort and support. We often have no good verbal explanations, but listening and not avoiding or over-reacting to the subject and then comforting the child will have a critical and long-lasting positive effect.

2. Provide a consistent, predictable pattern for the day. Make sure the child has a structure to the day and knows the pattern. Try to have consistent times for meals, school, homework, quiet time, playtime, dinner and chores. When the day includes new or different activities, tell the child beforehand and explain why this day's pattern is different. Don't underestimate how important it is for children to know that their caretakers are 'in control.' It is frightening for traumatized children (who are sensitive to control) to sense that the people caring for them are, themselves, disorganized, confused and anxious. There is no expectation of perfection; caretakers themselves have often been effected by the trauma and may be overwhelmed, irritable or anxious. If you find yourself being this way, simply help the child understand why, and that these reactions are normal and will pass.

3. Be nurturing, comforting and affectionate, but be sure that this is in an appropriate 'context.’ For children traumatized by physical or sexual abuse, intimacy is often associated with confusion, pain, fear and abandonment. Providing 'hugs', kisses and other physical comfort to younger children is very important. A good working principle for this is to be physically affectionate when the child seeks it. When the child walks over and touches you, return in kind. The child will want to be held or rocked – feel free. On the other hand, try not to interrupt the child's play or other free activities by grabbing them and holding them. Further, be aware that many children from chronically distressed settings may have what we call attachment problems. They will have unusual and often inappropriate styles of interacting.
Do not tell or command them to 'give me a kiss' or 'give me a hug.' Abused children often take commands very seriously. It reinforces a very malignant association linking intimacy/physical comfort with power (which is inherent in a Caregiving adult's command to 'hug me').

4. Discuss your expectations for behavior and your style of 'discipline' with the child. Make sure that there are clear 'rules' and consequences for breaking the rules. Make sure that both you and the child understand beforehand the specific consequences for compliant and non-compliant behaviors. Be consistent when applying consequences. Use flexibility in consequences to illustrate reason and understanding. Utilize positive reinforcement and rewards. Avoid physical discipline.

5. Talk with the child. Give them age appropriate information. The more the child knows about who, what, where, why and how the adult world works, the easier it is to 'make sense' of it. Unpredictability and the unknown are two things which will make a traumatized child more anxious, fearful, and therefore, more symptomatic. They may be more hyperactive, impulsive, anxious, aggressive and have more sleep and mood problems. Without factual information, children (and adults) 'speculate' and fill in the empty spaces to make a complete story or explanation. In most cases, the child's fears and fantasies are much more frightening and disturbing than the truth. Tell the child the truth, even when it is emotionally difficult. If you don't know the answer yourself, tell the child. Honesty and openness will help the child develop trust.

6. Watch closely for signs of re-enactment (e.g., in play, drawing, behaviors), avoidance (e.g., being withdrawn, daydreaming, avoiding other children) and physiological hyper-reactivity (e.g., anxiety, sleep problems, behavioral impulsivity). All traumatized children exhibit some combination of these symptoms in the acute post-traumatic period. Many exhibit these symptoms for years after the traumatic event. When you see these symptoms, it is likely that the child has had some reminder of the event, either through thoughts or experiences. Try to comfort and be tolerant of the child's emotional and behavioral problems. These symptoms will wax and wane - sometimes for no apparent reason. The best thing you can do is to keep some record of the behaviors and emotions you observe (keep a diary) and try to observe patterns in the behavior.

7. Protect the child. Do not hesitate to cut short or stop activities that are upsetting or re-traumatizing for the child. If you observe increased symptoms in a child that occur in a certain situation or following exposure to certain movies, activities and so forth, avoid these activities. Try to restructure or limit activities that cause escalation of symptoms in the traumatized child.

8. Give the child 'choices' and some sense of control. When a child, particularly a traumatized child, feels that they do not have control of a situation, they will predictably get more symptomatic. If a child is given some choice or some element of control in an activity or in an interaction with an adult, they will feel more safe, comfortable and will be able to feel, think and act in a more 'mature' fashion. When a child is having difficulty with compliance, frame the 'consequence' as a choice for them - "You have a choice- you can choose to do what I have asked or you can choose….." Again, this simple framing of the interaction with the child gives them some sense of control and can help defuse situations where the child feels out of control and therefore, anxious.

9. If you have questions, ask for help. These brief guidelines can only give you a broad framework for working with a traumatized child. Knowledge is power; the more informed you are, the more you understand the child, the better you can provide them with the support, nurturing and guidance they need. Take advantage of resources in your community. Each community has agencies, organizations and individuals coping with the same issues. They often have the support you may need.

We really recommend to read more on this site: http://www.childtrauma.org/ctamaterials/Principles2.asp

United Future: September 1st 2007:
This day saw me rise at 6am and get to the airport for a flight from Auckland to Wellington to speak on GRG issues at the United Future conference. 5 groups were asked and we were very privileged to be one of those. Other organisations represented were Prison Fellowship: Every Child Counts: Wellington City Mission: Wellington Community Law and of course Grandparents Raising Grandchildren ™ Trust. It was interesting as we as kin carers fit in with all speakers from these organisations.

What was even better was we also had Grandparents who are raising there also, to Wendy, Anne, Barbara, Margaret, Terry, Murray and Sally a big thank you. It is so important to let others see our faces. To actually hear from the ‘horse’s mouth’ so to speak is very empowering and really pushes the issues home. We were extremely pleased to see their portfolio “Made In NZ:- Kiwi Parents” discussion document. It has some innovative questions and Grandparents Raising Grandchildren features on page 23. This document is full of issues facing the NZ family life. They are asking for feed-back and we encourage you to contact your local UF office for a copy. Or check out www.unitedfuture.org.nz
IF YOU WANT A SAY IN WHAT ISSUES EFFECT YOU AS A GRG THEN IT IS VITAL YOU GIVE FEED-BACK ON THIS

Feedback:
I didn’t get a chance to chat with you on Saturday, but I had a very interesting chat with one of your “peers” if that is the right word. Thank you for coming and taking the time to talk with us. I go to a political meetings hoping to be inspired (and I was), but not expecting to be moved – what you had to say certainly moved me. The first people I talked to when I came back were my parents and I told them about GRG and they said they knew some grandparents raising an autistic grandchild. I passed on the local support group contact details from your website. I want to highlight a community group every month on my emails as a way of gently helping them get some positive attention – I’ve made GRG my first group. It’s not much, but I hope it brings in some support.

Keep your passion – your doing such an important job. John (Dr)

Hint from Parents Inc:
It’s so easy to be plain old grumpy with the ones you love the most. It might be time to ask yourself “How much fun am I to be around?” Grumbling and moaning, growling and eye rolling does not inspire children.
Try this – start the day with a warm greeting, a special treat in the cereal, a note on their mirror that tells them to have an awesome day and a generous hug with the words – “I am so fortunate to be your Nana/ Pop!”

THE BENEFIT OF HINDSIGHT By Margaret Cunningham
As a grandparent raising a grandchild I consider myself fortunate to have the luxury of parenting with the benefit of hindsight. This does not make me a parent expert by any means but hindsight does allow me to reflect on past parenting experiences and take what I have learned into my new parenting role. I often respond to people who ask if parenting is easier the second time round by saying,
“Hindsight is only beneficial if we pay attention to it.”

One aspect of past parenting I have endeavored to change is the tendency to hasten the stages of growth. Children are children for such a short period of time when you consider that the natural life expectancy is between 77 years (male) and 81 years (female), yet there is enormous pressure to rush through our children’s growth, instead of delighting in the very unique and precious moments that childhood offers.

Time! When you want it to go fast it goes slow and when you want it to go slow it goes- whoosh! I well remember my “I can’t wait …..” days.
‘I can’t wait until you’re out of nappies.” “I can’t wait until you start walking.” From walking to talking, from kindergarten to school I keenly awaited the next stage of childhood growth to occur. Well, the next stage does occur and the next and so on, until one day you wake up and your children have become adults and left home. The wished away “I can’t wait…” years resurface as snapshots and memories; the kind that give birth to hindsight.
With the pace of life moving a lot faster than when I was a first time parent the pressure to rush our children’s childhood to make life less complicated for ourselves has become more urgent. ‘Opportunity’ and ‘rights’ have reduced the amount of time set aside for children to be children, or parents to be parents, and in our effort to have our children succeed in today's world, parents and educators try to have children read earlier, use computers as soon they can hold their head up, and learn the difference between "up" and "down" via television instead of through life.

The fashion industry, especially girls, has taken a giant leap forward since I first shopped for children’s clothes. In fact it seems to have overlooked the ‘child’ in children altogether. Prominent fashion stores promote make-up, accessories, high heeled shoes and thong knickers for children as young as five and six. Apart from the adult ‘mini-me’ aspect of the fashion industry I do wonder what sort of message we are giving our young girls and boys when we accept as normal such lamb dressed as mutton behaviour.

I still get caught up in the very marketable explosion of opportunity available to children and like most parents want to see my granddaughter do well; but equally as important for me is that my child has space away from the pressures of this new fast world just to experience being a kid and that I too have time to delight in this experience.

One thing progress cannot provide for our children is ‘time’. If anything progress has eroded time – our time to be with our children and our children to be with us. There is so little time to teach a child to be a responsible and caring person and the job too important to rush development. Kids will progress when they’re ready and not before. Don’t wish that time away. Let kids be kids. Enjoy each stage of growth with your child.

Parenting is a time of relentless self-revelation. It is as much about self discovery as it is about nurturing. What we consider to be the very best of ourselves children will challenge and what we know to be the very worst of ourselves children will expose – and sometimes very publicly!
Hindsight does not change this one little bit. The challenges are still there looming as large as ever – exhaustion, tantrums, picky eaters, illnesses, peer pressure … the list goes on; this will never change. What did change for me though is my awareness of just how irreplaceable and fleeting the years of childhood are.

Today is tomorrows yesterday and yesterday will soon be nothing more than a memory. No, parenting is no less tiring or challenging second time round as it was the first. But it has been easier. Hindsight has seen to that. Wishing away time is like throwing out a pot of gold. Hindsight understands how precious that pot of gold really is. END

Texting Warning:
This lady has changed her habit of how she lists her names on her mobile phone after her handbag was stolen. Her handbag which contained her mobile, credit card, purse...etc....was stolen. 20 minutes later when she called her hubby, from a pay phone telling him what had happened, hubby says "I received your text asking about our Pin number and I've replied a little while ago." When they rushed down to the bank, the bank staff told them all the money was already withdrawn.

The pickpocket had actually used the stolen hand phone to text "hubby" in the contact list and got hold of the pin number. Within 20 minutes he had withdrawn all the money from the bank account.

No One Gives You Chocolates By Ellen Munro
Having experienced the debilitating symptoms of depression, Ellen Munro has published a small book with personal stories and practical help on how to tackle the emotional turmoil and mix of symptoms that characterise depression. The personal stories are from interviews with people who tell of childhood and marital trauma, suicide and grief, anorexia, bi-polar and schizophrenia.

The book contains:
• Inspirational personal stories of depression and recovery
• Practical steps towards overcoming depression
• A chapter titled: How can family and friends help
• A list of Support Agencies

A website has been set up just for this book: www.munrobooks.co.nz

To order: Email: ellenmunro@xtra.co.nz
Fax: 03 4360696
Write to: Munro Books, Hakataramea R.D.1, Kurow 9498

Invoice for payment will be posted out with each order. The book can also be ordered from Paper Plus stores or Dymocks. Retail price is: (NZ) $24.95.

Musings (or Ramblings) from a Grandmother:
I was the eldest of five children; we lived in a State house. Mum stayed at home and complemented the family income by growing roses and selling them to a local florist. Every week-end we had the task of weeding those thorny gardens. Life was good; plenty of kid’s to play with, never locked the door at night and car keys were left in the car. We rose early to knock on the windows of other kid’s to wake them to go mushroom picking on the local reserve. We roamed for miles with no adult supervision. The most exciting Christmas gift for me was a stiff petticoat that Mum actually made. She sewed all our clothing. I remember well the Beatles material she bought and made my sister and myself a shift.

We had respect for them and also our teachers, so unlike today’s generation. Our boundaries were firmly set in place and woe betide you if you crossed them. We were absolutely terrified of coming to the attention of the local Police constable, so stayed out of trouble. We went on family picnics with all of our cousins, Uncles and Aunts. We never asked for things as we knew that there was not enough money for any extras. Our weekly treat was a copy of the ‘Sunny Stories’ which was shared amongst my 2 sisters. We had guinea pigs and chooks and ducks in our back yard, which was full of fruits trees. Blackboy peaches…………..yum, straight from the tree and still warm from the sun, are they still available today? Being the eldest I was expected to look after my smaller brothers and I did, until I became a teenager, then dragging around a young 2 year old was not so cool when I had other things on my mind. Never the less……..

Push fast forward to today, the children seem to have no respect, no boundaries are driven by peer pressure, he has, she has therefore I WANT! They will argue with you, answer back and in some cases even use the foulest language at you and not just you either, teachers as well! As for respect for the Police or anyone in authority, well need I say more?

How did it all go so wrong? Television: Rights of Child: Technology: No discipline in schools: Are we responsible? It’s probably a combination of all. Was it because we had so little, we over compensated for our own children by giving them so much? Did the pendulum swing too far in the opposite direction, if so when is it going to swing back to a balance? Perhaps that is our job as grandparents!

The Second Time Around: From United Kingdom.
When I think back to where it all began, it seems so long ago
Our interest in “Grandparents” began to grow and grow
You see when we began the task of “raising our two girls”
We knew no others in that state, and our minds were doing swirls!
Later of course when we had set up our group, we realised we were not alone
As numbers increased and word got round, I was never off the phone.
Grandparents Association, Family Rights, and Grandparents Plus led the way,
They’ve championed the cause for grandparent carers, and continue to do so today
Our difficulties as main carers, though our children we love to the core,
Are just the same the world over, and we need to do much more
Whether its newspapers, talks or debates, we have to make ourselves heard
So put out the posters, tell everyone, and get them to pass on the word
Lets hassle our ministers and make them listen, we need to make them aware
For without this group of loyal carers these children would all be in care.

Chris Leaves is a grandparent carer. She has raised her two granddaughters since they were six and nine. They are now twenty five and twenty two years old.
Chris founded the Second Generation Support group for Grandparents who raise their grandchildren full time in Peterbough.

From the July 2005, Child, Youth and Family are considering all requests for reimbursement for deliberate damage caused by a child in the custody of the Chief Executive that is currently placed with a caregiver.
The policy is not an insurance policy and it does not cover for accidental damage. The policy also does not cover for insurable deliberate damage caused by fire or explosion.
If caregivers believe that they may have a claim for uninsurable, deliberate damage they should contact
their child’s Social Worker / CGLSW in the first instance. They should make any urgent repairs such as broken windows or damaged locks to secure the property. Caregivers should keep the receipts and quotations for this. This policy has very clear guidelines, from the time the foster carer notifies the social worker of damage to where the claim is assessed and finally settled.

Di
National Convenor and the team.