Incredible people doing incredible things: greetings and Kia Ora.
This Newsletter
We are looking for some-one or a Corporate Company or Companies
to sponsor this newsletter. CYF contribute $5k towards it but as
our membership has grown so large and the information is so vital
to you, we thought we would ask via this newsletter first. We do
know it gets distributed to many networks through-out the Country.
The costs to get this out, has risen to $24K per year. Thinking
outside the square here also, perhaps you are a large printing company
and could assist with sponsorship that way? We are sending out to
3060 per month and growing still (1050 snail mail and the rest via
email). So we ask if anyone out there can help out with sponsorship.
You will get all due kudos for your sponsorship. Please contact
us at office@grg.org.nz if you are able to assist us. We are a Charitable
Trust and therefore sponsorship would be tax deductible. Thank you
and God bless.
Pass the Parcel In many cases the parcel is a child! How many
moves back and forth is enough? Grandparents have written to us
this month stating enough is enough. For the fourth time the grandchild
has returned back to their care. Mother is drug addicted and mentally
unwell, but she presents very well. The powers that be, in their
infinite wisdom, three times have believed that the mother has recovered
and is clean, or capable of caring for her child. Four times she
has fallen over and the grandchild again has returned to grandparents
care. Further traumatised and unsettled is the child, not to mention
the impact this has upon the grandparents as well. The long-term
damage that this situation has upon the grandchild will be enormous,
his/her security and attachment will be shattered. Children are
not parcels to be handed back and forth. Stability, stability, stability.
And do you know the saddest thing of all (besides the child’s
misery) - some grandparents have simply run out of energy. The stress
became too much, their health failed and they have had to walk away.
In this situation how many people suffer, and at what cost? ? ?
?
The next 6 articles are from our members
Roses
I am a 67 year old Gran and would like to share some wonderful news
with you. I have had my 10 year old grandson in my care for exactly
5 years this month. I have read a lot of your stories and consider
myself very fortunate in that he came to me with no psychological
or other problems. During these years he has attended a wonderful
school, and our great news is that he has just been accepted into
the superb Dilworth School for boys. For those who don't know of
Dilworth, it is a private school with fantastic resources, established
by an Irishman (Mr Dilworth) almost 100 years ago. It was established
for children who come from families of good character but of modest
means - maybe a solo mother/father in difficult circumstances or
in my case, a solo grandmother. It provides a superb education to
any boy lucky enough to be chosen to go there, offering great scholarships
to overseas universities, etc. This could be something that other
grandmas might consider. Let me say though, that it is not at all
easy getting in. There were over 800 applications this year. You
go through a very stringent interview process, then you have to
wait to see if you are short-listed. The short list is whittled
down to 100, then if you make that you spend a day at the school,
then go for a final interview with the Board of Trustees. From this
final 100 they have the onerous task of choosing 48 pupils, so weren't
we on top of the world when last Thursday we received notification
that we were one of those lucky boys to win a scholarship to attend.
So you see - good things do happen. These children deserve nothing
but the best and that is what I have striven to provide for my grandson,
just as we all do. His present school was just as elated and by
way of celebration his teacher said that this called for a special
shared lunch, which was yesterday. Wasn't that so kind. My grandson
gave a little speech of thanks, as did I, emphasising that when
the going gets tough, you don't quit. Can I just say that I do empathise
with all of you out there, and when I read some of the stories I
realise how blessed I have been with this child. I have had no interference
from anyone and, although my daughter succumbed to drugs many years
ago, she has shown me nothing but gratitude for, as she puts it,
"loving my son". Her life, like so many, has been turned
from a brilliant path into a life of, at times, abject misery and
we never know what the outcome will be. But there are roses at the
end of the day. Next year I will be on my own once again and it
will then be "my time"- time to take care of myself. Incidentally,
I have also looked after my 102 year old mother at the same time.
She has just gone into a rest home, so I don't feel at all selfish
in now stating that it is now my time to seek out whatever I wish
to pursue.
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I wish you all well.
Grandparents with No Life
We raise two grandchildren and finally grandpa had a weekend where
he did not have to work. But the parents of other grandchildren
had other ideas and another two grandchildren were deposited upon
our doorstep for the weekend. The two new arrivals told us that
the Aunty and the other set of grandparents had a life on the weekends
and they were busy. It was assumed that because we raise these two
we have nothing better to do than look after children. This is something
we have also found with friends of our grandchildren. The parents
of these friends just expect the same. Now wouldn’t we be
better if these extended family and parents of friends actually
took the grandchildren that we raise, to give us a break and obviously
a life!
Housing NZ
Congratulations to Sharon who after 18 months wait, finally was
able to convince Housing NZ that a Grandmother raising three grandchildren
and caring for her disabled stepson of 25yrs is a bonafide "family"!
With back up letters from all groups involved in the care and support
of the family plus a visit to her local MP's office, as proof of
the immediate need for better housing, she has been granted a four
bedroom house with wheelchair access and is packing to MOVE! You
GO Sharon!
Moving on to Independence
Phil (our grandson) has being given an apprenticeship already without
waiting for the six months of pre training. The boss was most impressed
with his knowledge of cars and said he was the best new apprentice
he has ever had. Phil goes that extra mile and is willing to stay
behind after hours and finish off any work the boss has still going.
Hope he keeps it up! He also got his first weeks wages last Friday
and was happy to contribute to the house hold budget and to start
saving
From Nan of Seven
What I would like to say to any grandparents who are dealing with
CYF and maybe not seeing eye to eye with the social worker, and
having a "hard time" is to remember that the bond that
they previously had with the child/children is NOT easily broken.
And no matter what happens remember children are very perceptive,
and as they grow they figure out what is going on - who loves them,
and is always there for them. And just take comfort, that even though
you may have to endure supervised access (2 years for us), that
the children still love you as much as before.
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The Carpet Sweeper, by Lody Liebert
I have just returned from a week in Auckland, where I was staying
with a 77- year-old friend.
On Sunday afternoon we were preparing the evening meal together
in Corrie's kitchen, when I noticed all the crumbs on the floor
which had been vacuumed only two days before. It was amazing how
with two people and a cat, how many crumbs and hairs fall to the
ground and how much dust comes in from outside. I find that if your
floor is clean the house feels more restful somehow.
“When is your home help coming?” I asked, “Is
it Tuesday?”
“No, she comes on Thursday.” Corrie replied.
“Oh, I will vacuum tomorrow.” I offered. “I bought
a carpet sweeper not long ago.”
The next day I said, “It is really handy, you don't have
to get out the vacuum cleaner every day. It picks up the crumbs
and cat hair and it doesn't take long to do.”
“I've got a carpet sweeper too,” Corrie remembered,
“but it doesn't work properly. It doesn't pick up the dust.
Mind you, it probably needs to be emptied. It's in the big basket
in the garage.”
I went to investigate. Sure enough, I found the sweeper. Because
it had been there for some time it was covered with dust. I opened
it - wow, it was packed with dust! No wonder it didn't work any
more! I got an old newspaper, emptied out all the dust into it,
put it in the rubbish bin and cleaned the outside of the sweeper.
Then I took it into the house and cleaned the carpet. Wonderful!
It picked up crumbs, the cat hairs and all the other dirt. We agreed
that it needed to be cleaned out regularly.
I felt very much like that carpet sweeper - overloaded with my
own pain and hurts and those of the people around me, caused by
unresolved issues and unconfessed sin. At times I was so busy with
my life that I forgot to take time to seek the Lord, rest in His
finished work on the Cross and hand over the situations to Him.
Instead I tried to solve the problems and carry their burdens with
my own strength. As I prayed for them, the Lord started to show
me the roots of their pain, and also the pain in myself, and my
family, church and country. Knowing and experiencing that God is
willing and able to forgive and heal, my heart breaks knowing that
so few accept his offer of forgiveness and healing.
I would like to encourage you to seek God and His righteousness
first, and all the other things will be added to you - love and
joy and peace. That is why Jesus was born; why He died on the cross.
Don't be a carpet sweeper like I was, just collecting dust. Make
sure you too, empty it out regularly into the Dustbin !
John 3:16. John 1:9.
Work & Income Letter A number of GRG’s have received the following
from W&I.
To Super annuitants receiving
OB or UCB.
Work & Income appreciate that you may have some additional needs
because you have children in your care. A Customer Service Representative
will phone in the next couple of weeks to discuss your circumstances.
So do not be fearful, this hopefully is the beginning of Labour’s
promise before the election to give GRG’s who are on their
Super the same as Foster Care people get. They will be doing some
research on this first probably to find out how you are coping or
struggling and also more than likely to find out how many of you
there are out there. It is our understanding that this will need
to be passed in Legislation and an announcement made in the Budget
of 2006. So it is up to you to paint a true picture to give them
a very good reason to get this passed in Legislation.
Budgeting advice from Trevor
Pugh, Trustee
The Fallacy of Store or Loyalty Cards
The benefits of these cards are hard to foretell as they give you
an avenue to spend for what you want as well as what you need.
The minimum payment is a great way to keep your interest but seldom
does it reduce your debt.
The need to clear each transaction when due will not only make your
finances more available but will also help to maintain a process
of buying what is needed at the right time rather than squander
capital just because there is a special which maybe be something
you would like but do not need.
The minimum payments requested usually relate to around 5% which
does not help to reduce your overall debt but just covers a portion
of the interest due. If the interest you are charged is like most
cards you will be paying well above an acceptable percentage rate
of something like 16% plus. This clearly would indicate that if
you only pay the minimum you would never clear the debt in a reasonable
time.
The need to pay more than the minimum is of vital importance to
ensure a balanced structure for your finances is achieved. Better
still, only buy what you know you can pay off at the end of each
month as this saves interest and increases your credit worthiness.
If Store or loyalty cards are the token to which you spend do a
budget and relate to the lost spending power you have which is going
into the Card suppliers pocket instead of yours. We have inserted
in this newsletter a sheet for you to work out your budget for your
household.
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Volunteers for a photographic
opportunity
My name is Catherine Pinal and I am a 40-year old mum, wife and
non-professional photographer. I am seeking GRG families who would
like to volunteer for a photographic essay to benefit the Grandparents
Raising Grandchildren (GRG) Trust.
I became interested in the GRG after reading several news articles
about the organisation. While the family circumstances shared are
often heartbreaking, a single message rings loud and clear –
to love and protect our children. This is a very powerful message,
more so personally now that I am a parent. I am also interested
in contributing to the GRG’s efforts to increase awareness
of the financial difficulties faced by grandparents/caregivers,
and the need to boost services for families that have taken in their
grandchildren/kin.
Photography can be an important means of getting across such a
message. For the past 15 years, I have used photography to document
families and relationships, and some of my photographs have been
published. I have proposed to the GRG Trust that I make a series
of photographic portraits of grandparents with their grandchildren,
preferably in the home environment (Note, as “grandparents”
I am including other primary caregivers, such as Aunts, Uncles and
other extended family relationships). Along with each portrait,
I would like to include any words or statements that you or your
grandchild would wish to share. The ultimate goal is to have these
portraits published as a book to benefit the GRG Trust.
If you would like to participate but prefer not to have yourself
or your grandchildren recognised (for safety or CYF concerns), it
is possible to photograph in a way that that depicts your family
relationship without showing facial features, such as holding hands.
I assure you that your comfort and safety through this process is
important to me.
I would consider it a great privilege to photograph you with your
grandchildren. If you’re interested in participating or have
questions, please do not hesitate to ring me at (04) 570-2372; I
can also be reached by e-mail at pmsanders@xtra.co.nz.
Timeline – I would like to include families from throughout
NZ, though as a starting point I am first seeking 10 families from
the Lower North Island (Wellington / Upper Hutt / Wairarapa / Levin)
region from November to December 2005. I’ll be in touch via
the GRG newsletter regarding future regions. But no matter where
you’re located, please ring or e-mail if you’re interested
in participating! I’m keen to hear from you.
Contact: Catherine Pinal, 44 Boulcott St, Lower Hutt, (04) 570
2372, email: pmsanders@xtra.co.nz
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A GRG Co-ordinator Reports
I felt so humbled after talking to this lady. She has SIX grandchildren.
The two oldest she has had from birth and the other four she has
had for two years. She has had no financial support apart from what
her family and the mother of the four youngest sometimes give her.
Her husband has had the same job for over 30 yrs and they have lived
in the same house for 27yrs. She had absolutely no gripes about
anything - not the parents, finance, stress, the system, nothing!!
All she wanted to know is if she was entitled to anything. Even
the mother of the kids isn’t receiving anything for them.
She signed over custody and guardianship to her parents when she
gave them the kids. What a happy house!! I could hear the kids laughing
and playing in the background. She says she has no trouble at all,
and that her grandchildren keep her young.
And from another GRG Co-ordinator
Hi everyone in GRG land. Had a lovely relaxing day at Ellerslie
in Auckland last week - great displays beautiful weather and nice
to have a day away from home. I gave a talk to the Methodist and
Presbyterian Fellowship ladies here in Tauranga yesterday. Their
group covers Opotiki, Whakatane, Tauranga, Waihi, Mt Maunganui and
TePuke, and so I had a scattered coverage of the Bay of Plenty.
This year’s project is certainly going to be of wonderful
help to the Trust and have far reaching help with more people becoming
aware of the plight of grands. My husband is continuing to make
great progress after his major stroke and thankfully no further
complications from the second stroke 3 weeks after the big attack
.We are all well and HAPPY here and the children have had a very
positive year. Grand-daughter is training with the Junior Surf Squad
this year as well as N.Z. Board riders so it looks like lots of
fun days at the beach. Grand-son has started his first year of Nippers.
Take care, and I hope the run up to Xmas isn't too stressful. I
love the glitter and excitement but still get let down after opening
the pressies though. Keep up the great work, regards Colleen.
St John First Aid Tip:
Priority Treatment
If there were an accident or medical emergency at your home, would
you know what to do? These tips from St John will help point you
in the right direction. While there is no substitute for the practical
training provided at an approved course, the tips below give some
useful pointers for novices, and helpful reminders for those who
have already been trained, about how to prepare for an emergency
and what to do when one happens.
First aid incident management: The Priority Action
Plan
The Priority Action Plan is a step-by-step strategy for managing
a first aid incident. This plan, known by the initials of its component
parts, SRABCS, allows you to identify and deal with initial life-threatening
conditions before commencing treatment of non-life-threatening injuries.
Key points to remember
Safety – yourself, bystanders’ patient’s
Response – does the patient respond to voice and touch? Call
111 and ask for ambulance (if required)
Airway – open and clear
Breathing – look, listen and feel for breathing for up to
10 seconds
Circulation –signs of life: breathing, coughing and movement
Severe bleeding – check for life threatening bleeding
For more details on the priority action plan, that will help you
to understand how and why you do the actions, visit www.stjohn.org.nz,
or read below…
If you live alone or have a condition that could require urgent
assistance, a Medical Alarm is an easy way to remain safe and independent
in your own home. Only St John LifeLinkTM Medical Alarms are connected
directly to the St John Ambulance Communications Centre. To arrange
a free no-obligation demonstration of St John LifeLinkTM Medical
Alarms at your home contact Carrol (Rodney and West Auckland) or
Christine (North Shore). For other areas: Free phone 0800 ST JOHN
(0800 785 646).
Below are more details on the priority action plan that will help
you to understand how and why you do the actions.
S - Safety
Before approaching the patient, consider your own safety, that of
bystanders and of the patient or patients. You cannot help if you
are injured. Wear protective gloves if available. If 'mouth-to-mouth'
ventilation becomes necessary and a protective breathing device
is unavailable, cover the patient's mouth with a makeshift guard,
such as a light handkerchief.
R - Response
Check for patient response.
• Ask 'Can you hear me? What is your name?'
• If no response to your question, speak loudly into the patient's
ear.
• If still no response, gently shake or tap the patient’s
shoulders.
If conscious (patient responds by answering or moving):
• Check for and control severe bleeding.
• Reassess regularly.
If unconscious (patient does not answer or move):
• Shout, send someone, or consider leaving briefly to get
help.
Calling for assistance
Use a mobile phone if available or send a bystander to telephone
for an ambulance. Make sure the bystander understands the message
by getting him to repeat it to you. Ask the bystander to report
back to you after calling the ambulance. If you are alone, call
loudly for help.
A - Airway
• Clear and open the airway
• Kneel beside the patient at shoulder level.
• Open the patient's mouth. Look for and clear obvious obstructions.
• Only remove dentures if loose or broken.
• Place one hand on the patient's forehead.
• Lift the patient's chin forwards using the index and middle
fingers.
• Gently tilt the head backwards.
B- Breathing
Look, listen and feel for breathing for up to 10 seconds. If the
patient is breathing (other than an occasional gasp):
• Turn patient on side (supported) or in the recovery position.
• Monitor for continued breathing.
If breathing is absent:
• Keep the airway open.
• Cover the mouth with your mouth, pinch the nostrils and
give two effective breaths.
• If the patient's chest does not rise, re-tilt the head and
give more effective breaths - up to 5 attempts.
C- Circulation
Assess for signs of life. Look for movement, such as swallowing,
coughing, breathing (more than an occasional gasp).
Note: St John no longer recommends checking for a pulse when administering
first aid. When a person is unresponsive with no signs of life,
cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR is given).
If signs of life are absent - the patient is not breathing, give
two effective breaths (up to five attempts) and start chest compression
immediately:
• Interlock the fingers of both hands and place the heel of
the lowest hand on the lower half of the patient’s sternum
(breast bone).
• Keeping arms straight and using body weight, sharply and
rapidly compress the chest 15 times. Depress the sternum approximately
one-third the depth of the chest - 4-5 cms for an adult. Release
the pressure. Repeat keeping a regular, smooth, uninterrupted rhythm.
Aim for 100 compressions per minute (a little less than two a second).
• After 15 compressions give two breaths (15:2 ratio). Ensure
a good seal around the mouth and watch the chest rise.
• Continue CPR with 15 chest compressions followed by two
effective breaths.
Reassessment
• After 3 minutes (finishing with 2 breaths) and every few
minutes thereafter, reassess for up to 10 seconds to detect signs
of life.
If none, continue CPR until:
• An ambulance officer or other health professional takes
over, or
• You are exhausted.
When the ambulance arrives:
• Continue CPR until ambulance officers take over or tell
you to stop.
Learn CPR and save lives
CPR is a mechanical means of externally supporting a patient’s
breathing and circulation. The aim of CPR is to keep the blood circulating
through the body; keeping the organs alive, until ambulance or medical
personnel can take over. Note chest compressions are the most important
part of CPR. If you find yourself in the situation of having to
give CPR and find it hard to perform breath, do perform chest compressions
alone – this greatly enhances your patient’s chance
of survival.
S – Severe bleeding
If severe bleeding is a risk following injury, check the patient
beginning with the head and neck, then lower spine, trunk, arms
and legs.
Management of bleeding:
• SRABCS
• Protect yourself from blood-borne infection by wearing disposable
gloves if available.
• Do not remove objects imbedded in the wound.
• Apply direct pressure to the wound - use patient’s
hands if possible, your hands, improvise.
• Elevate the limb (unless a fracture is present).
• Apply the cleanest pad available and secure with a bandage.
Do not remove this, as it will disturb clot formation. If bleeding
continues, place another pad and bandage over the original one and
apply further pressure.
• Always check the circulation below the bandage.
• Give no food or drink.
• Be prepared to treat for shock.
• If bleeding is severe or persistent, phone for an ambulance.
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What is avian influenza (bird
flu)?
www.moh.govt.nz/pandemicinfluenza
There are many types of influenza virus, some of which infect birds.
These are avian influenza viruses. Very rarely, an avian influenza
virus can also infect people. The current avian influenza virus
– H5N1 – has infected some people who have caught it
from having close contact with infected birds. Avian influenza causes
severe flu-like symptoms in people and may result in death. It has
not been shown for sure that anyone has caught avian influenza from
another person.
There are currently no commercially available vaccines that will
protect people against the H5N1 avian influenza.
What are the symptoms of avian influenza?
Generally, the symptoms are similar to those for people infected
with the flu, although the severity of the illness may differ. Symptoms
generally appear three to seven days after exposure and can last
up to seven days.
Why are health authorities concerned about avian influenza?
The World Health Organization is worried that an avian influenza
virus and a human influenza virus might mix. This could result in
a new strain of influenza virus that can be easily passed from person
to person. The new influenza virus could spread rapidly around the
world, infecting many people. This would be an influenza pandemic.
An influenza pandemic could cause many deaths and could occur at
any time. It would not necessarily be a winter illness.
How likely is an influenza pandemic?
It is certain an influenza pandemic will happen one day. The H5N1
avian influenza virus that is found in some countries could become
a pandemic influenza virus at any time.
What is New Zealand doing to prepare for an influenza pandemic?
New Zealand has been planning for this for some time. The Ministry
of Health has a national pandemic plan, and District Health Boards
have local plans.
The New Zealand Government, following the advice of the World Health
Organization, is stockpiling anti-viral medicine to help reduce
the impact of a pandemic on New Zealanders. By the end of 2005 there
will be enough anti-viral medicine for about 21 percent of the population.
Is there a vaccine available for a flu pandemic?
The Ministry of Health has a formal arrangement with Australia's
CSL Ltd - the only influenza vaccine manufacturer in the Southern
Hemisphere - which gives us a guaranteed supply if we need a pandemic
vaccine. However, manufacture of such a vaccine can only start once
we know the strain of the virus causing the pandemic, and so a vaccine
is not currently available.
What could happen in an influenza pandemic?
A pandemic could mean so many people are sick that it will affect
workplaces, schools, hospitals and many other services. There would
be public announcements on TV, the radio and through other media
channels that there is an influenza pandemic.
Some workplaces and schools may close. Normal health and other
services may not be available for several weeks. You may be asked
to care for yourself and others at home.
How can you prepare for an influenza pandemic?
• Talk to your family and friends about health hygiene –
hand washing, and safe coughing and sneezing.
• Make sure you have an emergency survival kit. Plan for having
about a week’s worth of essential supplies such as non-perishable
food, as well as plenty of fluids. For further information see the
Ministry of Civil Defence and Emergency Management website on What
to Do in a disaster.
• Include paracetamol (for fever) in your home emergency survival
kit.
• Have a plan for what you and your family would do if you
had to stay at home during a pandemic.
How do you care for yourself and your family during an influenza
pandemic?
• Stay home if you are sick and keep away from other people
– avoid visitors and visiting other people.
• Wash and dry your hands after you cough, sneeze, wipe or
blow your nose (or your child’s nose), use the bathroom or
toilet. Wash and dry your hands before you prepare food and eat,
and when you are looking after sick people.
• Keep coughs and sneezes covered. Tissues are best. Put the
tissue in a rubbish bin.
• Give people who have a fever and/or diarrhoea plenty to
drink.
• Give Paracetamol for fever. Do not give aspirin to children
under 12.
• Try to keep well people and sick people apart.
• Sharing bedding, clothing and utensils may spread infection,
but you do not need to wash a sick person’s bedding, clothing
and utensils separately from the rest of the family's.
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Ten Tips to Prevent or Subdue
Temper Tantrums, By Destry Maycock
Challenge: Whenever David doesn’t get his way he throws himself
on the floor, screams, kicks and cries incessantly. What can we
do to help him overcome this behavior?
Tip 1: What is David getting out of this behavior.
First make sure that you are not rewarding this type of behavior,
positively or negatively because both will help keep it alive. If
you eventually give in to this behavior by changing your initial
decision (not letting David go out to play, refusing David a cookie),
David has learned that tantrums work. Hence, when David wants his
way he may think, “ a good tantrum just may get me that candy
bar, it got me out of bedtime last night.” Negative attention
(yelling, threatening, ridicule, spanking) seldom changes the behavior.
Getting you upset may be just as rewarding as giving in to their
demands. So again, make sure you are not unintentionally rewarding
David for this behavior.
Tip 2: Be proactive.
Think of the situations that invite David's meltdowns and head them
off before they happen. Do questions that require a yes or no answer
provoke a tantrum? Instead of "Do you want a peanut butter
and jelly sandwich for lunch David?" try "It is time for
lunch David. Would you like PB&J or macaroni and cheese?"
Advance notice may help as well. "We will be leaving Grandma's
in ten minutes. Get everything you want to take care of completed
before we go." Is David more likely to throw a tantrum when
he is tired? Then you may want to provide an opportunity for him
to take a nap.
Tip 3: Consequence.
Be sure to tie the consequence back to the misbehavior. “David,
remember the last time we went to the store and you threw a fit
because I wouldn’t let you have that Power Ranger? Remember
how you kept putting it in the cart and screaming that you wanted
it? Well I am going shopping but you won’t be going with me.
I just don’t feel like dealing with that kind of behavior
today. Mrs. Hamblin is here to watch you until I get back. Try to
make the best of it. Love ya, bye.”
Tip 4: Move David to a different location.
The key is for you to model taking care of yourself. Your ears hurt
when you hear David’s screaming. You may not be able to control
whether or not David has a tantrum, but you can control where he
does it. “Tantrums are for the bedroom. Let’s go.”
You may want to give him a choice. “Where do you want to be
until you can get that under control, the bathroom or the laundry
room? If David can’t decide quickly, you decide for him. Come
on out when there is no more crying and screaming.”
Tip 5: Notice the exceptions.
Point out the times when David may have thrown a tantrum but did
not. “I really appreciate how you came in the house when I
asked without throwing a “fit”. You should feel good
about being able to do that.”
Tip 6: Give the behavior a name.
This will help externalize the problem, which is to say, it separates
the person from the problem. It helps David and the family view
the behavior as the problem and not him (the problem is the problem).
For example, you could call David’s tantrums the “uglies”.
This can help put David and you on the same side in the battle against
the “uglies”. Questions like “can you think of
a time when you have beat the “uglies” David? How did
you do it? or how do you know when the “uglies” are
coming? What can you do to stop them? ”David may enjoy the
imagery of conquering the “uglies” and this can give
David a sense of control over the behaviour.
Tip 7: Acknowledge his feelings.
This aligns you with David and sets the stage for him to begin to
work through his own problems.
David: “Dad, can I get this Power Ranger?”
Dad: “No, David I am not buying toys today.”
David: Eyebrows coming closer together and lip starting to pucker.
“But it is the last one I need and I will have them all.”
Dad: “Not today David.”
David: Screaming and crying. “You never get me anything I
ask for. You don’t love me.”
Dad: Acknowledging David’s feelings. “You must feel
really sad about not being able to get the Power Ranger. I know
I sometimes feel bad when I can’t get what I want.”
David: Sniffling. “Yea, I really want it.”
Dad: “Tell you what. (Taking pen and paper out of planner)
I will write this down as “things David wants”.”
David: “Okay Dad.”
You can later use this list for surprises or gifts for special
occasions.
Tip 8: Tell David what you are going to do.
“David, I’ll come back down stairs when you get that
under control” or “I will be happy to talk to you when
you are not crying and you voice is soft like mine.”
Tip 9: Ignore the tantrum.
If your have the will power to outright ignore the behavior you
must remember that it may get worse before it gets better. That
is, when David’s behavior doesn’t produce the desired
results, he may turn it up a notch to see if a higher intensity
level gets a response. Be careful. If you give in and respond to
the higher level or longer duration, David learns that is how intense
or how long he needs to tantrum from now on in order to receive
attention.
Tip 10: Direct David toward a different way of expressing how he
feels.
“David, here is some paper and crayons. How about drawing
how you are feeling right now.” This is a positive, less annoying
way of communicating how he feels.
About The Author - Destry Maycock has over eleven years experience
working with children and families as a professional social worker.
Destry has helped hundreds of parents solve a variety of parenting
challenges and strengthen their relationships with their children.
Destry enjoys developing products that help parents. Visit http://www.parentingstore.com
to see the latest parenting programs.
return to top
??? Ahem
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their
local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin
board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed
to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman.
"The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took
his picture?"
Prevent your kids from
hanging with the wrong crowd
Here is the nightmare scenario: Your wonderful, butter- wouldn't-melt-in-his-mouth
teenager meets some new kids in school. These kids are a bit different.
They have a bit of an edge to them, a hint of excitement. So your
little (well, maybe not so little these days) angel finds himself
drawn to them.
At first there is nothing to be alarmed about. Just some kids that
your boy enjoys meeting up with. But as he gets to know them more,
they seem ever more exciting. They seem to have a confidence about
them that enables them to ignore or openly defy the authority of
teachers and other adults. They pull cool pranks, like skipping
school to cruise a mall. And they all stick together and look out
for each other.
Pretty soon your boy wants to be a part of them. He starts to dress
like they do, talk (disrespectfully) like they do, and spends all
his spare time with them. Before long he is smoking, trying drugs,
and getting into petty crime - just for a laugh; "Oh, don't
be so square Mom!" he says, when you try to challenge him.
Naturally, his schoolwork starts to fall apart. He misses assignments,
and even the occasional classes. If he carries on like this he will
fail school and be in trouble with the police.
Where did it all go wrong, and how do you prevent something like
this happening? The key to understanding all this is to recognize
the unique fears and anxieties of the teen years. They are at a
crucial age. Breaking free from childhood, they are wanting to assert
their independence, their freedom from reliance on adults. They
want to prove themselves - to themselves, to their peers, to the
opposite sex, and even to their parents.
Yet, at the same time they feel massively insecure. They have never
done any of this before. They don't know if they can and so they
seek constant reassurance and validation of all they do. But since
they are trying to separate from their parents, it is hard, at the
same time, to seek and accept that reassurance from their parents.
And so they look to their peer group. Which is why, it is so common
for teens to want to be part of an "in-crowd". They want
to feel they belong and are accepted - but can't accept that from
their family unit. So they form their cliques and their gangs; they
adopt a dress code for their own in-group, and mock and despise
other, different, peer- groups.
They also seek excitement and adventure. Which is why the outlaws
can seem so attractive. Here are kids who are so sure of themselves
that they can break away from the control of the adult world and
do things their own way. Who wouldn't want to be like that?
Against that, most kids have learnt something from their parents
- they know right from wrong, they have some sense of the importance
of education, and some plans or goals for their own future. They
know, deep down, that being totally rebellious will do them more
harm than good, however exciting it might be at the time. And, despite
what they tell you, they do want to please their parents.
So most kids find a middle ground; They will push their rebellion
as far as they can - adopting outlandish dress, playing loud music,
and idolizing pop-culture rebels - while, for the most part, they
still follow the mainstream of getting a reasonable education.
If your kids are doing all that, good for them! Allow them their
little rebellions.
But some get it wrong. For them, the need to fit in, to be liked,
to belong are far more powerful than the desire to conform with
the norms or to please their parents. Why? For the most part it
is because they lack confidence and self-esteem. Their need for
validation and affirmation far outweigh the risks of being rebellious.
Common reasons for this include:
1. Academic failure. If they are constantly getting it wrong at
school, they will want to get it right somewhere else - even if
that approval comes from a delinquent peer group.
2. Overbearing parents. If you are constantly drilling it into your
children that you expect this or that achievement from them - whether
that be academics, sport, or social - and they feel they cannot
live up to the expectations, then they will rebel and seek success
elsewhere.
3. Abuse. Children who have been abused, especially sexually, often
have an extremely low opinion of themselves. They will latch on
to anyone who seems to show them affection or makes them feel important
in some way. So girls in this position may seek out macho boys who
(appear to) have a lot of self-confidence, and will fight off anyone
who would try to put down or steal "their girl". They
gain a great feeling of importance at being picked and "owned"
by such powerful boys.
Also, many girls who have been sexually abused confuse sex with
love. They desperately need love, but believe that it is found through
sex - resulting in promiscuity and vulnerability for more abuse.
4. Cultural norms. If your kids grow up in an area where fifty percent
of the adults are on drugs, and the rest are petty criminals it
would hardly be surprising if they found a similar path in life
- however good your parenting might be. Being in the right neighbourhood
DOES make a difference.
5. Bullying. If you can't beat them, join them. A child who is constantly
picked on may seek safety and support in a fringe group, even if
the price of their support is to be initiated into their anti-social
group activities.
So how do you prevent your own teenagers going off the rails like
this? First, understand the phase of life they are going through.
They are no longer children, so you cannot expect to keep bossing
them around like you used to! They need help to find their own way
in life.
Second, help them to find success in life. They need to be feeling
good about themselves. Find what they are good at, and help them
to become even better at it - be that sport, music, poetry, schoolwork,
martial arts, whatever. That may involve trying many different activities
before they find something that suits them well.
If they are struggling with schoolwork, help them. Either give
them additional support so that they can overcome the difficulties,
or cut down the expectations so they are not feeling under pressure
all the time. Do NOT let schoolwork (and homework) dominate their
lives. There has to be time for fun and play.
Live in the right neighbourhood. It is not without good reason
that middle-class parents seek out the right neighbourhood and the
right school before they buy a new home.
Live right yourself. Live an honest and upright lifestyle so that
your children can be genuinely proud of you – even if they
won't admit it.
Finally, value your kids. Believe in them. Affirm them. Do everything
in your power to make them feel wanted, loved, and valued - and
that DOESN'T mean buying them lots of toys. In fact, that can actually
make them feel less valued. What counts is the time you spend with
them, and the way you talk to them.
Dr. Noel Swanson
return to top
And to end
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken
Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast
iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of
the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes
looking around before the lid slams back down. "Good grief,
did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she
asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid
rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams
down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what
is happening, and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
You're going to love this....................
Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking
Duck" ? ?
Di
National Convenor and the team.
E te Atua, aroha mai..... O God shower us with love
Ka kite
* Please feel free to send this report on to others whom you think
may be interested:
* Please pass this on to other grandparents/kin carers you know
of.
* Views expressed in this newsletter may not be the views of the
GRG Trust.
* GRG Trust Head Office hours are 9am-3pm daily. (We raise grandchildren
too)
* We are totally a voluntary organisation.
Abbreviations:
• GRG – Grandparents raising Grandchildren ™
• H/O – Head Office
• H/B – Handbook
• BOT – Board of Trustee’s
• CYF – Child Youth & Family Services • Co’s
– Co-ordinator/s
• UCB – Unsupported Child Benefit.
• WINZ – Work & Income NZ now DWI – Department
of Work & Income
• Grand’s – Grandparents
• G/c – grandchild/ren
Membership: 2963 (families)
Web: www.raisinggrandchildren.org.nz Email parenting2@xtra.co.nz
Free Phone 0800 GRANDS or 0800 472637 (not for use for Auckland
callers)
Tel: 09 4806530 Fax: 09 4806572 Postal Add: PO Box 34 892 Birkenhead.
Auckland
If you no longer wish to receive this newsletter please contact
the Trust Office as this is where the total mail out membership
is kept.
Moved home or planning to…be sure to let us know.
Te Tautoko i nga Mätua Tupuna, me nga Mokopuna.
Te Ao mai rano, aianei, a muri ake nei.
Supporting: Grandparents and grandchildren.
Our past: present and future.
