Incredible people doing incredible things: greetings and Kia Ora.
Data Base 3382 carers
Nga mihi nui, hope you are well.
USA trip:
Well where to begin! The beginning I guess. We travelled from NZ
to San Francisco, then to Fort Worth in Dallas, Fort Lauderdale,
then set sail on the Sea Princess for Oncho Rios, (Jamaica) a very
poor country, and the local's chase and harass you trying to get
you to buy the stuff they make, it was horrible. Husband was even
offered dope! Plus many, many, other passengers.
Then to Comsomel (Mexico) nearly died when I got off boat and saw
Marines with Tommy guns! They did not look real they looked like
plastic ones for kids bought in a store, husband assured me not
so. There were 5 cruise ships anchored off shore. Great place for
jewellery up to 60% off.........my kinda town! Much to Dear husband’s
dismay!
Next was the Grand Caymans, Bill Gates just bought an apartment
there for a mere 16 million, Stallone owns a house there, we saw
the hotel owned by Dolly Parton & Kenny Rogers.
Barbados's... oh how beautiful, white sandy beaches hot, hot, hot
and the most beautiful clear sea water, in fact all the water was
so blue and clear you could actually see the bottom of the sea when
the ship was anchored. The sea was like a glass pond the entire
7 day trip!
Back at Fort Lauderdale we arrive to a thunderstorm and rain, and
then caught a flight up to the Big Apple NY. Coming from the airport
to Brooklyn was an experience! Although in a shuttle I was quite
scared! A car pulled up beside us music full blast and the guy pulled
a black handkerchief up over his mouth and nose! The desire to duck
over whelmed me!
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Conference Begins:
The conference started with a visit to the apartments built for
GRG's in the Bronx.......WOW is all I can say! 50 purpose built
apartments for grandparents who are 30% under the average thresh-hold,
they even had a large back yard which is unheard of in NY. These
were built by Presbyterian Service's in conjunction with other business
partners. We actually went into an apartment and met the grandmother
and her 2 of 4 grandchildren.
They have a complete service for the grand's and the children, GRG
meetings, after school care and homework supervision, counselling
for all and social trips. Just amazing! They have a waiting list
of 1000, which is not at all surprising.
Met up with the two grand's from England and the sister organisation
from Australia, whom I have met before, met Betty from Cangrand's
(Canada) - wow what a wonderfully funny and gorgeous woman. Met…..
yes.. Miss Patty Page, also Linda Silva the writer of 'Momma Bear,
Baby Bear' 200 people attended this and I must mention the grand's
from Georgia they made a great impact upon me, Loretta and girls
are doing some wonderful stuff for changing legislation in their
part of the country.
My speech, I think went down well, as many afterwards came and
said how much they enjoyed it and related to it, many said I was
very articulate, one lady said it bought her to tears. Grand's Magazine
have asked me, amongst others, to write an article for them. What
I have learnt from the 7 countries attending is, to a lesser or
greater degree we all have the same issues. I do believe if we collectively
work on this issue globally we will have some great power and will
make a difference. Australia in April 2008 is the next GRG conference.
I think, considering the United Nations was in attendance and heard
so many tragic stories they could well indeed be the people to give
us the profile we need and push our Governments because most of
them have ratified to the United Nations and they are not up-holding
it, especially in the discrimination of children. The new name for
the International movement is: International Alliance of Relative
Caregivers of Children.
We moved into Manhattan after the conference and did the sight seeing
thing, I even saw Marie Osborne in a window doing a TV interview!
Must say I loved NY! Ground Zero we visited but it is just that
now, Zero and under re-construction, we visited St Paul's church
and saw many, many items of memorabilia and tributes, and the atmosphere
was silent, it bought the tears! I lit a candle from all of us.
Man, we walked and toured up to 10 hours per day; thank goodness
for runner's (shoes) unlike those very high heels those NY women
wear! Do not know how they do it but they do. Di
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Chicago: New Apartments begin for GRG’s.
May 14, 2007: Chicago
Groundbreaking for 'Miracle on 12th Street,' Sankofa's Safe Child
Initiative A Granny's Haven - A long time dream of Annetta Wilson
becomes a reality on May 30, 10 a.m., at a groundbreaking for a
new 58-unit housing complex for Grandparents Raising Grandchildren
at 4041 W. Roosevelt Rd. Dubbed "Miracle on 12th Street,"
this auspicious occasion, will be followed by a celebration at United
Baptist Church, 4242 W. Roosevelt Rd., just two blocks away. At
present there are over 47,000 grandparents raising grandchildren
in the Chicago area alone. The need is finally being addressed,
not only in Chicago, but also across the nation. Yay may it continue
across the world!
Your Stories:
My 12 year old grandson said, (abridged)
"Nanny, I am so glad I have you and Granddad, your love and
hugs are the most important thing to me and the skateboard my Auntie
gave me, so I guess I am your boy now, if you'll have me?"
As we have had his sister for six years now, I guess it is definitely
back into raising kids for us and I guess their love will be something
extra special. It would be nice to have the odd weekend off though....we
do get tired. I am learning new stuff, like IPods, MP3/4 players
and so on, so I guess they will keep me young and laughing more,
if not sleeping as much as I need. :-)
Sue
It is really about being able (at times) to count to 10 before
exploding.
At the time my children were 9 7 5 and 3, girl, boy, girl, boy.
I’d used one week of my holidays to spruce up the girls bedroom,
our neighbour insisted on giving me a hand with the wallpaper. Our
house was an old villa high ceilings and a picture rail right around
the wall about 8 ft from the floor.
The wallpaper had a pattern you had to be careful with in order
not to waste to much wall paper, (you’ll probably know what
it is like to be a one income family) I measured each strip of wallpaper
between the skirting board and the picture rail starting at the
left hand corner numbering each one from 1 to 14, the pattern meant
that I had 1 inch of paper left at the picture rail and 2.5 inches
at the skirting board. As we started papering my neighbour insisted
that he would do the hanging and I could do the pasting as he had
far more experience in wallpapering.
When he came to hang sheet no 6 he told me that I’d made
a mistake with my measuring and cutting as the paper started to
finish up below the picture rail, however not taking defeat to easy
I checked his work and found that he hadn’t hung the first
sheet straight. As a consequence we had to use the bottom off cuts
to fill the gaps at the top, after the painting new build in wardrobes
sets of drawers and a beautiful dressing table made from a pattern
out of the Readers Digest Home handy man book the room was officially
handed over to the girls on the Sunday.
When I came home from work on the Monday my 5 year old met me at
the gate grabbed me by the hand and said come daddy and see what
I’ve made today, she took me to their bedroom and said look
at my beautiful drawing. And there above her bed on the brand-new
wallpaper with wax crayons she had drawn lines and shapes, I’m
flabbergasted and ready to explode but needed to catch my breath,
and in that moment I looked into the 5 year’s old eyes which
seem to say Dad what do you think of my wonderful picture. And it
was at that moment that I realized that as far as she was concerned
she had drawn a Picasso! That drawing stayed on the wall until she
was well grown up. Grand-dad A
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Raising Alone: (abridged)
I have taken care of my 2 grandchildren for 3 years plus now because
I thought my daughter was just a lost soul and needed some help.
I am now processing guardianship and the parenting order for both
G 7 years and H 5 years today. Their mother gives me so much grief
and the father; well I just think he's happy to visit them. G and
H are hugely beautiful, well mannered, and healthy grandchildren.
I was never in the mind set that I would be rearing children again
but this is special. Children need the more valued onset to lifetime
that is what I hope to instigate. These children are my grandchildren
and I want to initiate the inspiration for their future ... I hope.
My insecurity lies in that I have not raised a child/ren successfully
and yet I am here to nurse again. I am working with my counselor
to put this in perspective.
I am on my own. I grew to the knowledge that there is no real
shared passion in raising a child/ren on your own and decided that
I did not want to raise anymore children on my own. Unfortunately
I was not dealt this lifestyle card again. I have family that I
trust and do help me immensely and for that I am grateful.
Recently my grandson tells me he loves me, and when I growl he
says he is sorry without my prompt. My granddaughter does not do
this freely but I know she is thinking about it. I find this a movement
forwards that they are not governed by the need to say because they
will please?? And in my second breath, what did they endure that
they would feel this necessary. God bless you G and H. I hope that
you will know that your life is about your decisions. Granny: 0
My Grandson:
I was suddenly awakened to the reality of getting old by my gorgeous
grandson. We recently had our grandson of 8 years visit us. His
grandfather and I dressed to take him out. As I was putting on my
shoes, when he blurted out "Nana, pull up your stockings, they
are all wrinkled". I wasn't wearing stockings, so explained
to him that Nana was getting old and that is what happens to old
people's skin. "Oh! He said, Poor Nana, it's happened to your
face too” .Billie.
Parenting expert Diane Levy provides
practical advice on how to handle toddler tantrums.
Toddler tantrums – and how to manage them
I used to think most tantrums could be fixed by walking away. That
was called planned ignoring. The alternative was to say “stop
that yelling,” and, if the child persisted, to punish him
by putting him in Time Out until he had calmed down.
Once I had grasped the idea of using emotional distance (see the
‘Time Out’ article) rather than praise or punishment,
I was still left in a quandary about tantrums. Was the child in
need of my support or was he simply being unreasonable?
Nowadays I understand that not all tantrums are created equal. We
can be more effective in helping our children deal with their feelings
which threaten to overwhelm them, if we can recognize what type
of tantrum they are having.
And the nominations are…..
There are tantrums of despair, where the child is distressed because
he is frustrated or hurt or offended. And there are tantrums of
control, where the child is furious or angry because he cannot have
his own way.
Strangely enough, tantrums of despair and tantrums of control look
much the same. Just think of watching an unknown child having a
tantrum, complete with wailing and screaming, in a supermarket.
Some of us think, ‘Oh, that unfortunate child. He’s
probably been out for too long and is exhausted.’ Others think,
‘Why doesn’t the mother do something with that noisy
little brat? He’s just having her on.’
We’ve all experienced the dreadful feeling when our child
is having an out-of-control tantrum in a public place. At that moment,
we tend to beat ourselves up, believing that ‘good’
parents can foil tantrums from the outset. These days, if I see
a Mum struggling with a tantrumming child, I tend to think, “Oh
you poor thing – who’s going to help you?’ And
it is the parent I am fretting about!
Mmmm…..is this despair?
There are times when our children can be really upset or distraught.
Their friend hurt their feelings; they whacked their elbow on the
table; they were promised a visit to the playground and now it’s
raining hard; part of a toy is broken and Mum just turned down a
request for that second helping of chips. Our child may be angry,
tearful or both.
Our child needs us to understand how upset they are and to have
us put their feelings into words. Ideally, our tone of voice needs
to match the intensity of their feelings.
- “You really, really wanted more chips, but lunch is very
soon.”
- “Your feelings must be hurt by what your friend said.”
- “You’re so disappointed that toy won’t work
properly.”
Tantrums of despair require our emotional support. Simply keep your
arms around your child, make comforting sounds and wait until your
child has regained his equilibrium and can try again or leave it
alone.
Or is this…..control?
Strong-willed children are more likely to scream rather than cry
and will use an anger tantrum to try and force us to change our
mind. If running away or yelling isn’t helping them, they
can often resort to pushing or hitting, shouting unacceptable words
or even spitting to try and get their own way.Essentially, there
is little point in trying to reason (or argue) with them. Our children
are so enraged they won’t listen to anything we have to say.
Attempting to make logical and reasoned explanations is pretty much
a waste of energy when our child is “all feelings and no thinking.”
Trying to distract them is almost impossible with an angry, determined
child and threats of punishment rarely stop the rage. A child who
isn’t in a calm thinking state won’t be able to understand
the potential consequences of where his behaviour is taking him.
Tantrums of control require us to distance emotionally from our
child (Time Out) until he has worked out that he is not going to
get his own way on this one.
How can we tell which way to go?
Support or distance? I suggest you check your feelings. Are your
feelings ‘Poor little thing’? In this case the poor
little thing (of whatever age) probably needs your emotional support.
Or if your initial response is anger and you’re feeling ‘You
little …’ then chances are your child is having a tantrum
of control.
Just to be really sure
Try empathy first. Ask, “Do you need a cuddle?” Your
child will come to you for comfort if it’s a tantrum of despair.
If he shouts, “I don’t like you! Leave me alone!”
it’s most likely a tantrum of control and you need to create
some distance. Walk away or place him in his room.
After some time by themselves, many children will move from being
angry to being upset. They’re now ready for a comforting cuddle.
Different path, same outcome
In either case, what we are after ultimately is that our child solves
his problem and comes up with his own pro-social solution. It may
be to stop yelling and get on with the rest of his day; it may be
to let his little sister have the block; it may be to leave the
puzzle alone and find a more co-operative toy to play with; or it
may be to do what Mum has asked.
With emotional support our child feels comforted and understood
and can calm down and think of a way to go about solving the problem.
Or, from a position of emotional distance, our child can decide
that his current behaviour is getting him nowhere and he needs to
behave differently. Either way, we have kept the problem with the
child; we have not moved to rescue or persecute. Our child has solved
the problem and is demonstrating age-appropriate competence.
But wait, there’s more
An over-tired or over-stimulated child can lead to a third type
of tantrum – one I refer to as ‘too much day.’
These tantrums often occur after our child has had a perfectly wonderful
party or outing and had a very enjoyable time. Everyone has told
us, the proud parents, how well behaved and lovely our child was.
Yet within a very short space of time, the little angel has turned
into a nasty piece of work, complete with flailing arms and legs,
not to mention a temper, as soon as we leave the situation.
So what went wrong? We have gone to considerable lengths to ensure
they had a good time and this example of bad behaviour is what we
receive? Essentially, having a great time can also be very exhausting
for our children (it took me a long time to understand this), so
when their tiredness catches up with them, they tend to “lose
the plot.” Of course there is no magic answer; usually we
simply have to get through the circumstances as best we can. A calm
and quiet bath and stories before bed, plus a good night’s
sleep can do wonders for restoring our children to their usually
delightful selves. Their tendency is to behave as if nothing has
happened. We, however, may still be recovering!
--oooo--
“My grandkids believe I'm the oldest thing in the world.
And after two or three hours with them, I believe it, too. ~Gene
Perret”
What is Bullying?
Bullying is not okay.
Bullying is a common problem with potentially serious ramifications
such as health problems, depression, even suicide. Many schools
have anti-bullying programmes and policies but the problem is still
widespread.
Your children need to know that it is not okay for other children
to hit, exclude or torment them. If a child mentions this kind of
treatment, take their complaint seriously.
Telling victims to fight back or stand up for themselves, or “just
ignore them and they’ll stop” is not good enough. If
the bullying is ongoing, it requires intervention.
What are the signs?
If your child exhibits several of these behaviours, you need to
take some action:
• scared to go to school
• feeling ill in the morning
• skipping school
• drop in academic performance
• taking a different route to school or asking you to take
them
• going to school early or late
• "losing" belongings
• coming home with damaged property or losing property
• unexplained cuts, bruises or other injuries
• tearful when asked about school or playtime
• starting to bully others
• having nightmares, starting to stammer, become withdrawn
or anxious
What can you do to help?
Be careful not to place any blame on your child. Ask her how she
has tried to solve the problem and praise any efforts she has made.
Encourage her to continue to talk to you – and other designated
adults – about the problem. Let her know you will help to
make her safe. Ascertain that she has tried to ignore the bully,
asked him or her to stop, and walked away whenever the bullying
starts. If the bullying is occurring at school, seek more information
from your child’s teacher, principal or counselor and discuss
ways to make your child safe. This may involve intervention, increased
supervision or helping your child make more friends if he or she
is isolated. Arrange a follow-up appointment to monitor progress.
Encourage good friendships with other children – bullies are
more likely to pick on loners. Changing schools can solve the problem,
but sometimes can also transfer the same problem to a new, unfamiliar
environment.
Mobile phone and email bullying
Today’s technology can give bullies a degree of anonymity,
but parents and victims can take practical steps to prevent or halt
this kind of bullying. If the text or email bullying is threatening
or frightening, it is illegal – complain to the police and/or
the telephone/Internet provider company. Some calls and messages
can be traced. Keep a record of all messages received, including
time and date, to pass on to authorities.
Do not reply to abusive or bullying messages. Consider getting a
new phone number or email address. Do not give out phone and email
addresses too freely.
Telecom has even set up a toll free help line – which you
can call for help:
0800 NO BULLY (0800 66 28 55)
What if your child is the bully?
Encourage your child to tell you exactly what he or she did. Do
not accept excuses or blaming others and remind your child it was
their choice to bully. Discuss the way your child’s behaviour
may have affected the victim. Talk about other ways your child could
have handled the situation. Try to ascertain the reasons behind
your child’s behaviour – to gain attention or power,
for entertainment, to be left alone – and talk about other
ways to achieve that aim. Consider consequences – warning,
punishment, apology. Encourage your child to join with other children
to speak up when they see bullying.
Helpful Websites on Bullying
www.nobully.org.nz
This is a great New Zealand website devoted to stopping bullying.
It has information and resources, as well as practical strategies
and contact details for where you can find help. source: kiwifamilies.co.nz
I put my 3 year old in her car seat the other day and as I was
buckling her in I said to her in the way Dad’s chat to their
little daughters about nothing in particular: "So how are you,
young lady?” There was a pause and Rosie replied “Fine….how
are you, old man?” She laughed along with me when she realised
she’d said something funny, even though she didn’t know
exactly what it was. I might say I felt well and truly put in my
place. I guess I have to come to the realisation that I am an older
parent, although I don’t feel it. I remember once when Rosie
was a baby and I went into a retail store with her in a buggy. The
shop assistant, trying to make polite conversation, said “so
this is your grand daughter?” I guess when your hair is grey
you just have to take it on the chin.
There is probably never such a time as Christmas to appreciate your
children and enjoy the moments that Christmas brings. There’s
always the considerable stress and lack of time associated with
the build up to Christmas and that desire to get everything tidied
up before the end of the year. But there are also those magic moments
on Christmas morning when the bleary eyed children discover what
Father Christmas has left them. And the true believers check whether
he has eaten the biscuits and drunk the orange juice left for him.
Our three children range in age from 3 - 13. So at one end we are
dealing with little Rosie who is just realising the benefits of
Christmas and trying to come to terms with Father Christmas and
his snowy white beard. At this point she can’t seem to separate
him from the Beast in ‘Beauty and the Beast’.
Molly at 8 is still firmly in the ‘Father Christmas exists’
camp and is choosing to ignore any attempt by school mates to destroy
the myth.
Paddy at 13 is just keen on an ipod Nano, and if it has to be that
Santa drops in overnight on the 25th then so be it… he’s
fine to join in the fun with his sisters. Not only do I recognise
that my children are lucky that a happy Christmas is a reality for
them when for thousands of New Zealand kids it’s a sad and
disappointing time, but our children are also so lucky that they
have both sets of Grandparents alive. And for the most part, healthy.
One set of Grandparents lives in the South Island and my parents,
while from the South Island originally, moved to Auckland 20 years
ago to be with their children and grandchildren.
It has proven to be the correct decision on their part. While some
of their children have lived in various parts of the world over
the years, we are now all home and living within two kilometers
of our parents. The bonus has come with the 11 grandchildren. My
parents, in their 80’s, have very busy lives keeping up with
all the school and sporting occasions that they attend.
Fortunately, the South Island Grandparents are great travelers and
regular visitors (always timed to coincide with some special event),
so they are often in attendance too. They are a wonderful couple
who delight in teaching their grand children how to appreciate and
embrace life at the same time. They’ve always had a tremendous
civic duty and have worked tirelessly for their community. This
has included 12 years as Mayor and Mayoress of Timaru. They have
passed this on, by example, to their children and grandchildren.
Having said that, my Father-in-Law has a wonderful sense of the
absurd. A few years ago he received an invitation to my daughter
Molly’s 3rd birthday ‘fairy’ party which stipulated
that everyone should wear a fairy costume. Well this was mana from
heaven for “Grandy” who hired a shocking pink fairy
costume and made a grand entrance at the party, to rapturous applause.
There was slight hitch in that his fairy dance ended with a bit
of a crash, reminding all of us that fairies are possibly not supposed
to be 68 years old. You can just imagine the incredulous delight
from the birthday girl and all the other little fairies. Another
chapter added to the ‘Grandy’ legend.
With a twinge in his back, but having stolen the show, he was then
able to fly back home to his life and work. But for many Grandparents
they are not able to ‘leave the party’ and go home and
put their feet up.
There are thousands of Grandparents who have raised families and
then discovered that at a time when they are ready to enjoy their
retirement they have to raise another family – their grandchildren.
These are grandparents who in some cases have to go back to work
or spend their life savings to look after grandchildren from their
own children’s broken homes.
The Census back in 2001 revealed that nearly 4,500 grandparents
were raising grandchildren. Five years on there are many more than
that. The main reasons grandparents get involved is that they see
their grandchildren suffering in homes that have drug and alcohol
abuse, domestic violence, mental illness, child abuse and neglect.
Sadly, grandparents are not supported in New Zealand in the same
way that foster carers are. It seems unbelievable to me that they
are not entitled to the same money that foster parents get for things
like children’s clothing, birthday and Christmas presents.
I read of one grandmother who raised her five grandchildren under
18 on a $300 a week widow’s benefit.
These grandparents have demonstrated a huge sense of responsibility
towards members of their family and yet it is unfair that they are
penalised by not getting the same financial support as ‘out
of family’ foster carers.
Although the Government has pledged to address the issue of parity
for superannuitant grandparents they have not yet come through for
this group let alone all other (somewhat younger) grandparents.
And as if the financial side of things isn’t bad enough, sadly
many of the grandchildren have psychological, behavioral or medical
issues.
So it’s a tough life for grandparents who have already done
their bit. Those who have taken on this full-time responsibility
have had to become very resourceful advocates for their grandchildren.
There is a wonderful organisation in New Zealand called ‘Grandparents
Raising Grandchildren’ (GRG) who provide support to grandparents
who are in these difficult circumstances. GRG wants to ensure fair
treatment from the legal and child protection services in New Zealand
so that the children involved can have more stable and normal lives.
They do this by providing support for the grandparents and chances
for the children to meet others in a similar situation. They are
also trying to find out exactly how many grandparents are in this
situation.
The group was started around eight years ago by Diane Vivian who
took over the care of her small, traumatised grandchildren and she
couldn’t believe the stress she encountered. When she tried
to find some support she discovered there was none. As GRG grew
they spent many months venting their anger and frustrations, weeping
and gradually building trust and a sense of solidarity.
Today there are over 45 support groups throughout the country, reaching
from Dargaville in the north to Invercargill in the south. Groups
now lobby parliament and speak to many community organisations.
They’re striving to make a difference for all grandchildren
and grandparents who care about them.
And so as we lead up to Christmas lets salute those grandparents
who put the needs of their precious ones before their own. They
are really doing angels' work here on earth and let’s hope
at this special family time they get all the support they need to
have a really Happy Christmas. Article published December 2006
“When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied,
"I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma,"
he advised. "Mine says I'm four to six."
--oooo--
Separation Anxiety
By Dr. Noel Swanson
"Whenever I try to leave the house, or whenever I try to take
her to the nursery, my two year old little girl cries, screams,
and clings on to me so hard that I can barely peel her off. It is
getting so bad that I have to take her with me everywhere. It breaks
my heart when I do have to leave her. What can I do, and what will
happen as she grows older?" Ah. I do love these questions because
they are such a classic example of the principles: child manipulates
mother by using the guilt tactic - and all that at just two years
old! Okay, so what do you do? Separation anxiety is a normal part
of a two year olds life. At that age they are just beginning to
branch out and explore the world at a distance away from their mom.
Watch some toddlers next time you are at a mom and tot's play session:
Mom sits and chats with other moms. At first little Jenny holds
onto mom and is reluctant to go play. Eventually she gets brave
and toddles off. But as she does so, she anxiously looks back to
check that mom is still there, within a safe distance. If anything
troubling happens, she rushes back to the safety of mom's lap. As
play gets engrossing, Jenny's anxieties subside. But even so, she
keeps checking, every now and then, to see if mom is still there.
If mom gets up and moves, suddenly Jenny will come alive, and hurry
over to her mother for security. Over time, as Jenny grows in confidence,
this reliance on mom will lessen. That is the normal process.
In separation anxiety, the process has halted and gone in reverse.
For whatever reason, Jenny's anxiety at being separated from mom
becomes overpowering. Now, any attempt by mom to disengage and leave
Jenny, even if in familiar surroundings will heighten that anxiety,
causing Jenny to cling even more tightly. Mom, being a good, protective
mom, does not like to see her daughter distressed. So she comforts
her. Ah, but see what has happened? Jenny now feels more secure.
So her behaviour (clinging to mom, crying, temper tantrum) has produced
the desired result (security, mom didn't leave). So, that behaviour
(clinging) is rewarded, and is more likely to happen again next
time. If this is repeated a few more times, the pattern becomes
established, and then entrenched:
Mom tries to leave
Child whines
Mom feels guilty
Mom stays and comforts
Child feels better
Mom feels better
A classic cycle of behaviour modification, by the Child, of Mom's
behaviours! The longer this goes on, the more entrenched it becomes,
until child and mom are completely inseparable, and life becomes
a misery. What then happens? Well, over time, the child's power
over the family increases - and the family are at high risk of having
numerous behavioural problems and school refusals, as the child
becomes ever more omnipotent. Not a good picture! So what is the
solution? There are, theoretically, two options, but frankly, the
first one doesn't work in practice.
Here is the first option:
Mom never attempts to leave the child. Like in the toddler's group,
mom stays ever in the child's presence until, gradually, the child
starts to venture out and explore by herself, gradually gaining
confidence to be on her own.
The problem is, of course, that this is pretty impractical: What
happens when mom wants to use the bathroom?
Separation. When she goes to bed? Child comes with her - leading,
quite likely, to marital friction.
Each one of those separations will re-assert the original cycle,
which is why this method, though theoretically viable, just does
not work. The other way is a bit more dramatic, and takes some courage
and confidence by mother. First, you have to understand how anxiety
works: It peaks when a threat is new. But it gets bored. If the
threat does not turn into real danger, then we get used to it, and
gradually anxiety decreases, eventually disappearing completely
- unless something new happens to reawaken that fear.
So here is what you do: you take Jenny to the
play group.
You pre-warn the play group about her separation anxiety.
You drop her off in caring, capable hands. And you go.
Yes, she will cry, and scream, and through a temper tantrum
- all designed to awaken that guilt of yours so that you will come
back and console her.
But you don't. Knowing that sometimes you have to hurt to heal,
you go. And, once you are gone, that anxiety WILL gradually wane.
Then, when you return, you make a fuss, show her that you love her,
and remind her that you do come back when you say you will. Then,
next time you have to leave, you do the same again.
The key here is to be in charge. You make the decision as to whether
you go or not - not her. If you need to go, go - and she will have
to get used to it (she will). But if you waver, if her pleas and
cries start to get to you, then the cycle will get worse rather
than better. As I explain in my book, the key is to understand the
dynamics of what is happening, and stick with it, with confidence,
even when things, at first, seem to get worse before they get better.
Remember, if you are feeling guilty in a relationship, it probably
means the other person is manipulating you!
Not Yet!
“My 6 year grandson: (after being given some money) the other
day. Told me that I couldn't die yet when I asked why, I was told
that he hadn't saved up enough money yet to pay for my funeral.”:
--oooo--
Di
National Convenor and the team.
E te Atua, aroha mai..... O God shower us with love
Ka kite
* Please feel free to send this report on to others whom you think
may be interested.
* Please pass this on to other grandparents/kin carers you know
of.
* Views expressed in this newsletter may not be the views of the
GRG Trust.
* GRG Trust Head Office hours are 9am-3pm daily. (We raise grandchildren
too)
* We are totally a voluntary organisation.
* All donations to the GRG Trust are tax deductible.
Abbreviations:
• GRG – Grandparents Raising Grandchildren ™
• H/O – Head Office
• H/B – Handbook
• BOT – Board of Trustees
• CYF – Child Youth & Family Services • Co’s
– Co-ordinator/s
• UCB – Unsupported Child Benefit.
• WINZ – Work & Income NZ now DWI – Department
of Work & Income
• Grand’s – Grandparents
• G/c – grandchild/ren
Web: www.grg.org.nz or www.kin.org.nz or www.raisinggrandchildren.org.nz
Email office@grg.org.nz
Free Phone 0800 GRANDS or 0800 472637 (not for use for Auckland
callers)
Tel: 09 4806530 Fax: 09 4806572 Postal Add: PO Box 34 892 Birkenhead.
North Shore 0626
If you no longer wish to receive this newsletter please contact
the Trust Office as this is where the total mail out membership
is kept. Moved home or planning to? Be sure to let us know.
Te Tautoko i nga Mätua Tupuna, me nga Mokopuna.
Te Ao mai rano, aianei, a muri ake nei.
Supporting: Grandparents and grandchildren.
Our past: present and future.
We are a Charitable Trust
