Incredible people doing incredible things: greetings and Kia Ora.
Data Base 3343 carers
Nga mihi nui, hope you are well.
Care supplement:
Since the UCB increase announcements there have been questions from
our membership asked about the ‘Care Supplement”
C/S (Care Supplement) is paid via Work & Income. The criteria:
• Children must have been under the care and protection of
CYF
• The caregiver now must be the same person whom the children
were discharged to
• This is paid in tandem with UCB
Rates of pay:
0-4 $16.29
5-9 $18.53
10-13 $24.62
14+ $30.62
Explain this:
As a grandparent raising a severely challenging child aged 14, I
as of 1st April will get $153 per week. My respite Caregiver for
this child will be paid by the Health Department $448 per week.
Not that I am not grateful for the rest, but I ask you?
Levin Support Group:
Robyn has resigned from this position due to family commitments,
thanks Rob for all you have done for GRG. Colleen Pene has kindly
agreed to take over this area her contacts are ph 07 368 6688 or
email colleenpene@yahoo.com.au. Thanks Colleen
Marton/Rangatiki GRG Support Co:
Tammy Tuakimoana Ph 06 327 5213 or email lscribe@quicksilver.net.nz
has kindly agreed to be a support via telephone for this area. Welcome
Tammy and thank you.
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Like: Like; Like; (screaming)
Does this sound familiar?
Nan, like, do you know like what happened at like, school today.
Well like I said to like my friend that like I needed to like do
something. And she like said blar, like blar, like blar, and then
we like did like this and like then she like said………………………………….get
the picture. If this type of talk is driving you mad bet you have
a teen or pre teen in your home. What would normally be a short
conversation ends up in a very long statement with all these likes!
Grandchildren are God's way of compensating us for growing old.
~Mary H. Waldrip
Vital Information:
If CYF are in the process of supporting you to take Parenting Orders
(custody & guardianship) it is VITAL that you get your lawyer
to set up a Support Order along with this. This means they will
continue to pay for what can be negotiated between your lawyer and
CYF. Be it ongoing counseling or sports fees (just examples). Also
if your kin children were under CYF and may now be under your care
and they need counseling, even if you have no Support Orders, they
will still pay for this.
A Grandmother informs us:
In our case they have to continue to pay for our granddaughter till
she turns 17yrs old. We were represented by a Lawyer and have been
for some time now. Education was our most desirable thing that we
got and we as grandparents who are either retired or like me coming
of age so to speak need that extra funding while our grandies are
growing.
There are lots of things that through a lawyer you can get. Activity
Fees, Medical, Holidays (for children to see their parents), Clothing
allowance, and so on.It took several months to complete but now
it is over am fully satisfied with the outcome.
Has an Allegation of abuse
been made against you?
If you are a caregiver to a child and an allegation has been made
against you, you can get a support person to help you through this.
Phone the Co-ordinator on free phone 0800 693 278.
Lawyer for the Child: www.justice.govt.nz/family
When the Family Court is asked to decide disputes about a child,
the Court almost always appoints an independent lawyer for the child.
This lawyer is called the lawyer for the child.
When will a lawyer be appointed for a child? The Court can appoint
a lawyer for the child whenever a dispute involving a child needs
to be resolved. If the dispute is about the day-to-day care of or
contact with a child and it hasn't been resolved by counseling or
mediation and seems likely to go to a Court hearing, the Care of
Children Act 2004 says the Judge must appoint a lawyer for the child,
unless the Judge thinks this wouldn't be helpful. The Court can
also appoint a lawyer for the child in other types of Family Court
cases under the Care of Children Act - for example, a dispute between
guardians about an important decision to do with the child's upbringing.
The Court must appoint a lawyer for the child in care and protection
cases involving Child, Youth and Family Services under the Children,
Young Persons, and Their Families Act 1989.
return to top Who can be appointed as the lawyer for a child?
Each Family Court has a group of experienced family lawyers who
can be appointed as the lawyer for a child. All of them have had
specific training in representing children and they are familiar
with children's issues.
Who chooses the lawyer for the child?
A Family Court Judge will decide if a lawyer for the child will
be appointed, and they choose who that lawyer will be.
Does each child in a family get their own lawyer?
Not usually. In most cases, the same lawyer represents all the children
in a family. However, usually the lawyer is expected to meet with
each child individually.
If the lawyer for the children or a parent or other person involved
in the case thinks that another lawyer should be appointed to represent
one or more of the other children in the case, then a Judge can
be asked to decide this.
Who pays for the lawyer for the child?
The costs of the lawyer for the child are paid by the Court. But
the Judge can require the parents or any other person who is a party
to the case to contribute to the lawyer's costs. The Judge will
ask them for input and for details of their financial situations
before requiring them to pay anything.
The role of the lawyer for the child What does the lawyer for the child do?
There are four main things the lawyer for the child has to do. They
have to -
• explain the Court process to the child in a way they can
understand
• represent the child in the Court process, and in any negotiations
between the parents or other parties if there is a dispute about
care arrangements for the child
• make sure the child's views and all issues relevant to the
child's welfare and best interests are explained to the Court, and
• explain the Judge's decision to the child and discuss with
them how it will affect them.
How do they do those things?
• Although each lawyer has their own style, it is likely the
lawyer for the child will -
• spend some time with the child
• spend some time with each parent or other party individually,
and
• spend some time with other significant people involved in
the child's life.
Sometimes the child's lawyer will talk to others who know the child
- such as members of the wider family, or teachers or social workers.
What are the guiding principles?
The lawyer for the child will be guided by principles contained
in the Care of Children Act 2004, the Children, Young Persons, and
Their Families Act 1989, and the United Nations Convention on the
Rights of the Child. These include -
• that children have a right to know and be cared for by their
parents
• that children have a right to their identity, name and culture
• that children should be protected from all forms of violence
• that children have a right to say what they think about
issues that affect them, or to say nothing if that is what they
want
• that decisions about who looks after or has contact with
children should be made promptly and according to the child's sense
of time
If there is any conflict between these or other relevant principles,
the overriding factor is the welfare and best interests of the child.
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What can the lawyer for the child do in Court?
Like any other lawyer who represents someone in court, the lawyer
for the child can bring witnesses into the Court to give evidence,
cross-examine witnesses brought to the Court by other people, and
address the Judge (make submissions) about the evidence, the law
that applies to the case, and anything else they feel ought to be
brought to the Judge's attention.
Will the lawyer for the child decide the case?
No, the Judge will decide. However, if the case involves a dispute
about care arrangements for the child, the parents or other parties
to the case can reach their own agreement at any stage before the
Judge makes a decision. If they then want the Court to make their
parenting agreement into a parenting order, both the Judge and the
lawyer for the child must agree with it. If the parents or other
parties cannot agree, the Judge will decide.
How much weight is put on what the child says?
After hearing from the parents or other parties and from the lawyer
for the child, the Judge will decide how much weight should be given
to the child's views. But whatever the final decision, the law says
the child's views must be taken into account.
The relationship between the lawyer and the child
Does the child have to talk to their lawyer?
The lawyer must meet with the child unless there are special reasons
why this is not appropriate. If the child is reluctant to meet the
lawyer, the lawyer will not force them to.
Most children value a chance to talk to someone about what is happening.
In a dispute about care arrangements for a child, the parents or
other parties should encourage the child to talk with the lawyer
so that their views can be taken into account when the Court makes
an order or the parties come to an agreement.
Where will the lawyer meet with the child?
The lawyer may choose to see the child at home, at school, at the
lawyer's office, or some other place. The most appropriate place
will usually depend on where the particular child feels most comfortable,
and this will often depend on their age. The lawyer for the child
will usually discuss this with the parents.
Is what the child says to their lawyer confidential?
Yes. The child's lawyer acts for the child, and cannot tell anyone
else what the child has said if the child doesn't allow this (except
if the lawyer finds out from the child that they or someone else
may be unsafe). The lawyer will explain all this to the child.
Will the child's lawyer make the child choose if there's a dispute
between parents?
No. It is not the job of the lawyer - or anyone else - to make a
child choose between their parents or other caregivers.
However, the lawyer may ask the child what they think about the
dispute. The lawyer will probably ask the child if there are any
issues the child wants the adults to know about. The lawyer's approach
will depend on the age of the child. return to top
Can the child's lawyer make them go to Court?
No. Sometimes the lawyer for the child will ask them if they want
to meet the Judge. And sometimes the Judge will ask to meet with
the child.
Usually neither of the parents or other parties to the case are
present if the child does meet the Judge - only the Judge, a Court
official, the child and their lawyer will be there.
What if one of the adults thinks the other is telling
the child what to say to the lawyer?
If there's a dispute about care arrangements for the child and a
parent or other party thinks the other person is "programming"
the child about what to tell the lawyer, they should tell their
own lawyer and the lawyer for the child. The Court may decide to
get specialist help to try to find out if this is happening.
What if the child doesn't like their lawyer?
If they feel comfortable doing it, a parent or other party should
talk to the lawyer for the child about what the child is telling
them. If that is too difficult, they should talk to their own lawyer
or the Family Court Coordinator.
If a lawyer has done something wrong - for example, if they've acted
negligently or unprofessionally - a complaint can be made to the
District Law Society.
Will the lawyer report back to the child at the
end of the case?
Yes, the lawyer will explain the Judge's decision to the child at
the end of the case.
When the Court makes a parenting order to resolve a dispute about
care arrangements for a child, the Care of Children Act 2004 says
the lawyer for the child must explain to them what the order means,
using words that the child can understand. The lawyer must also
explain to the child that they can, through their lawyer, challenge
the parenting order by appealing to a higher Court.
Relations between the lawyer for the child and the adults Do the adults get to speak to the child's lawyer?
When there's a dispute about care arrangements for children, most
lawyers for children make a point of contacting each parent or other
party to find out their views on what arrangement will best suit
them and their child.
But it is important to remember that the lawyer is acting for the
child and not for the adults. The lawyer has to remain independent
and keep focused on the child and the child's needs and views.
Where will the lawyer meet with the adults?
Normally the lawyer for the child meets with each of them in the
lawyer's office.
What if a parent or other party doesn't want to
talk to the child's lawyer?
The adults don't have to talk to the lawyer for the child if they
don't want to.
But by talking to the lawyer for the child, the adults may get a
better understanding of what the child thinks and wants, and the
issues affecting them. They would also get the chance to explain
to the lawyer what they think is best for the child. Talking to
the lawyer may be a way they can work out options for resolving
disagreements.
Is what the adults say to the child's lawyer confidential?
No
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Do the adults find out what the child tells their
lawyer?
If the child agrees, yes. One of the main purposes of having a lawyer
for the child is for that lawyer to act as a voice for the child
in any Court case and in any negotiations between parents or other
parties about care arrangements.
What if the adults don't like what the child's
lawyer is doing?
They should talk to the child's lawyer, their own lawyer, or the
Family Court Coordinator about their concerns.
Need more information or advice?
For more information or advice, click on the links below to other
pages or pamphlets on this site, or contact a family lawyer (www.familylaw.org.nz),
a community law centre, or the nearest Family Court office.
-------oooOooo------
Take Control of Your Defiant Child
Not too long ago I was with my three year old. I had the task of
watching him all afternoon while his mother was off doing something
somewhere else. Like all of my children, this boy is very smart,
quick to act, and a number of years younger than he thinks he is.
At this particular point in his life, my son had decided that now
that he is three years old, he no longer needs adult direction to
cross the street. He was getting more and more bold about this.
At first he started by refusing to hold my hand while crossing the
street. Then he began to run a head a bit while we were crossing.
I knew that the direction in which he was going would lead him eventually
to decide to cross the street by himself. Since he did not understand
the danger of doing this, I felt it was imperative that I teach
him not to behave in such a fashion.
On this particular afternoon, I decided that the time was ripe
to teach my son that he needs to hold my hand to cross the street.
I was taking him for a walk to get him some strawberry yogurt for
his dinner. I bought two yogurts for him and we began to walk home
together. When we got to the intersection, my son began to cross
ahead of me.
"You have to hold my hand," I said. He stopped but looked
at me with his three year old defiant glare.
"You are not allowed to cross the street unless you hold my
hand."
He parked himself on the corner and refused to take my hand, defiantly
standing his ground. We were seemingly at a stalemate. I was insisting
my son hold my hand to cross the street and he was refusing.
Think about this. You are walking home. You get to the corner and
your three year old child openly defies you by refusing to hole
your hand to cross the street. What would you do in such a situation?
During the stand off I was having with my child and irritated passerby
said to me, "Just pick him up and take him home!"
Now let's analyze this advice. On one hand there is my son, three
years in age, standing 3 feet 3 inches tall and weighing in at 38
pounds. On the other side there is me, more than four decades older,
nearly twice his height, and weighing in at nearly 200 pounds. And
you know what, the guy was right. I can pick up this boy and make
him do just about anything I want. I certainly could pick him up
and take him across the street. I should have turned to the guy
and said, "Yep, you're right. I think I can take him."
So why didn't I? Well, let's look ahead.
I have a boy who is almost thirteen. He is considerably stronger
than my three year old. Still I am about a foot taller than him
and 100 pounds heavier. It would be considerably harder, but if
I wish I could pick him up, also. But my oldest son is 16 now. Well,
he can pick me up.
The point I am trying to illustrate is that if your parenting and
discipline techniques are based on you being stronger than your
child, and if you are using force or punishment to bend your child
to do as you wish, you do not have a good long term workable plan.
Eventually your child is going to get bigger and there will come
a time when you will be no longer able to force him to listen to
you. If you have not developed a better way to get your child to
listen to you than through punishment or coercion, then you will
have absolutely no control over what your child does. Zero.
Your child learns to obey you because he wants to, not because
you force him to. Wanting to obey you should be
something that he does not outgrow. Because even when children become
adults, they still want to please their parents. Isn't this the
type of relationship you wish to always have with your child?
The important thing to realize is that if you want a strong bond
with your child that will last your entire life, you should begin
to focus on behavior and discipline not through force, but though
warmth and love. When you approach discipline this way your child
will obey you not because you force him, but because he wants to
obey. This means that when other parents are dealing with their
rebellious teenagers, you will be enjoying a warm positive relationship
with your child.
Dr Anthony Kane
We at the GRG Trust office gave this considerable thought and eventually
came up with this. We would ask the child if he would be willing
to hold MY hand and help ME to cross the road .What was your solution?
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***************************** GRG Co’s Training Days:
March 1st & 2nd saw GRG co-ordinators fly or drive to Auckland,
this was the beginning of a wonderful experience. Our speakers were
Ian Grant from Parenting Inc: Sally Houtman author of To Grandma’s
House we Stay: Hon. Tariana Turia: Principal Family Court Judge
Peter Boshier: Delwyne Roberts Age Concern: Trevor Pugh Budgeting
Services: Jill Worrall on Allegations: Liz Douglas GRG web host:
Warwick Pudney author of A Volcano in my Tummy. The quality of presenters
was nothing short of superb! We all returned home tired but exhilarated
and very well informed.
How old is Grandpa???
Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away.
One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current
events. The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about
the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.
The Grandfather replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was
born before: television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods,
Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees and the pill. There were no: credit
cards, laser beams or ball-point pens. Man had not invented: pantyhose,
air conditioners, dish washers, clothes dryers and the clothes were
hung out to dry in the fresh air and man hadn't yet walked on the
moon. Your Grandmother and I got married first, . . . and then lived
together. Every family had a father and a mother.
Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir".
And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with
a title, "Sir." We were before gay-rights, computer- dating,
dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy. Our lives were
governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.
We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and
to stand up and take responsibility for our actions. Serving your
country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.
We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.
Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your
cousins. Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors
when the evening breeze started. Time-sharing meant time the family
spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters,
yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. We listened to the Big Bands,
Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios. And I don't
ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy
Dorsey.
If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk. The
term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam. Pizza
Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of. We had 5 &10-cent
stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents. Ice-cream
cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a
nickel.
And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on
enough stamps to mail one letter and two postcards.
You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600 . . . but who could afford
one! Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon. In my day: "grass"
was mowed, "coke" was a cold drink, "pot" was
something your mother cooked in and "rock music" was your
grandmother's lullaby. "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's
office, "chip" meant a piece of wood, "hardware"
was found in a hardware store and "software" wasn't even
a word. And we were the last generation to actually believe that
a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us
"old and confused" and say there is a generation gap...
and how old do you think I am?
I bet you have this old man in mind...you are in for a shock!
Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it.... This man
would only be 59 years old!
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######OOOO######
What is the solution to getting
stuck? That is the key question, isn't it?
Very often I get parents coming to see me, or writing to me, who
are clearly at their wits end with their children.
Often the screaming, shouting and frustration (on both sides) has
become so bad that there is rarely a smile in the home, never mind
any peace or quiet.
The trouble is, of course, that once people are in such a negative
spiral of problems and stress, things just get worse and worse.
Maybe you are in that position even now? It gets to the point that
you are dreading a call from the school (as it means Johnny has
been in trouble - again), dreading the children coming home from
school (that is the only time you get any time to yourself, quite
apart from getting any housework done, and dreading getting up in
the morning - as it will all be the same as yesterday. I know how
it can feel, having experienced it ourselves, as well as watched
hundreds of families going through it. But it CAN change. Here's
how:
Whatever stage you are at with your children, good or bad, take
a moment to lift your eyes up from the day to day struggle and look
to the long term. How do you see things going? Are you on course
for the best possible future for you and your children? Are you
doing the right things now, so that you, and your children, reap
the rewards throughout the remainder of their lives? Or are you
so bogged down in daily hassle, chaos, or conflict that you find
yourself doing things that you know aren't right, just to survive
today?
Whatever your circumstances there are bound to be some small, or
large, changes you would want to see. The problem is how to make
that happen. First, however, there are some key principles you need
to know, and believe:
1. You can change any situation you are in, for the better, if
you are prepared to learn what to do, and do what it takes.
2. If you always do what you have always done, you will always get
what you have always got. So, if you are not happy with your life
as it is now, stop complaining about it and DO something different.
3. Stuff happens in life - both good and bad. Much of this is out
of our control. But you can only change what is IN your control.
So focus not on what others have or have not done, and instead focus
on what YOU can do.
Okay, so how do these principles apply in a real world, when you
are struggling to juggle being a parent (maybe on your own), with
earning some money, dealing with the schools, driving the kids around
to their activities, coping with their bad behaviour, and perhaps
coping too with conflict and/or abuse from a partner or ex-partner?
Sometimes it feels as though you are so deep in the quicksand that
the more you try to get out, the deeper you sink? First, stop thrashing
about. The more your do so, the deeper you sink. To get out of the
quagmire, you will need a calculated and focused plan of action.
So, step one, is to stop wriggling and take time to properly look
at your situation. When you do, you will first see a host of problems.
No surprises there. But then you will notice that some of these
problems are dependent on other factors or issues being in place.
For example, you cannot go to work because you cannot find a responsible
child carer who will take on your child. And they won't take your
child because (say) you can't pay them, or because the behaviour
is too bad.
Now get out some paper and map out all these linked problems. What
depends on what? What prevents you from solving what? Map it all
out, all the "I can't do this because of that" issues.
That is point A.
Now, on another piece of paper, do some dreaming. Imagine that
some miracle happens TONIGHT, and that, as a result, all the problems
disappear. Now write down how life would be different for you. In
particular, write down what YOU would be doing differently (e.g.
I would be going out each morning to a job I enjoy that actually
pays some money! I would see my friends twice a week for a coffee
and chat. My boys and I would have fun at the weekends - doing X).
That is point B.
Now all you have to figure out is how to get from A to B. There
are two ways to do this, one requires ordinary linear thinking,
the other requires some imaginative lateral thinking. Get someone
(maybe a friend or relative who is not as close to the problems
as you and your partner are) to help you brainstorm these:
1. Look at all those interdependent problems. Are there one or
two issues that seem to lie at the root of all of them, i.e. if
you could fix those, then a whole bunch of other stuff would become
a lot easier to sort out too?
2. Is there an alternative approach that would sidestep a lot of
the problems? E.g. if one problem is no money, and no job because
of child care, how about finding some "work at home"?
Or what about offering some child care (paid) to other moms?
Have a laugh with your friend writing down some crazy ideas that
might be solutions. If you are short of ideas, why not post on the
forum and get other people's suggestions? Then look at what you
have written down, and see if any of them could, with a bit of effort,
be turned into real solutions? The key to this process is to NOT
LIMIT your thinking. Do NOT say "no that wouldn't work",
or "no, I couldn't do that". At this stage you want ALL
the ideas, however crazy or unworkable they might be. Don't skimp
on this step. Spend a good deal of time on it. As I said, get a
friend to help you brainstorm - once you get onto the really crazy
ideas you will have a real laugh, and that in itself is beneficial!
Once you have done all this, you now have a whole bunch of possible
routes from A to B. Many of them are total nonsense, of course.
No matter. What matters is that they are down on paper. Take a break
for a day or two. Then go back to the list and work through all
the ideas to find one or two that have some potential. They will,
no doubt, need some tweaking and revising, but let these ideas inspire
you to some real possible solutions. Then, keep working on these
until you whittle them down to some solid strategies. Actions that
you could, realistically, take that would stand a good chance of
changing your situation. Remember here, nothing will work overnight.
All of them will require some work and effort, and will require
you to do something different, maybe even radically different, to
what you have ever done before. Allow yourself to be radical.
Finally, it is crunch time. You have identified A and B. You have
one or two solid roads that will take you from A to B. Now comes
the hardest bit of all. You have to go and DO IT. Your plans may
involve getting some help from other people, but remember, ultimately
it is YOU who wants the changes to happen, so it is YOU who will
have to do all the running to make them happen. Determine, absolutely,
that you will do so. And then persist, like a dog with a bone, pull
out all the stops, put in all the hours, make all the calls, do
WHATEVER (legally!) it takes, until you start to see the results
that before you only dreamed of. Or, of course, you could just carry
on complaining! :-) Hang in there my friend!
Noel Swanson http://good-child-guide.com/index1.php
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Soothe a Bee Sting:
• Cut a slice from a raw onion and apply to sting area, but
if allergic to bee stings seek medical advice.
Get Chewing gum out of hair:
• Apply peanut butter and rub the gum until it comes out.
Shampoo hair well.
Relieve Sunburn:
• For temporary relief of mild sunburn apply cold, plain yogurt.
Rinse with cold water.
Dirty Rubber:
• Kids fussy about a messy rubber leaving marks, file gently
with an emery board.
Keep Drinks cold:
• Refrigerate and then wrap in bubble wrap for school lunches.
Popcorn:
• Wasting too many kernels that do not pop. Keep them in you
freezer for better results.
Splinters, failing eye sight & tearful child:
• Apply adhesive plaster directly on to splinter site, leave
for 3 days and carefully peel off, splinter should come out.
Is your Toilet really clean?
• Totally remove the seat by unscrewing the wing nuts at back
of toilet. Do regularly.
Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do. Grandparents,
sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of little children. ~Alex
Haley
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