Incredible people doing incredible
things: greetings and Kia Ora. Data Base 3300 carers
Nga mihi nui, hope you are well.
RIP: Rotorua GRG Co.
It is with a heavy heart we pay tribute to Judy Arthur a faithful
servant who passed away on the 8th of January 2007. Partner of Cyril,
and grandmother raising Tyler, plus mother, grandmother to others
and our friend. Thank you Jude for all you have done for GRG over
the years and yes sweetheart stress for our situations has a lot
to answer for. We, as you wanted will keep on pushing. We are saddened
at your passing but rejoice that you were here. God rest your weary
soul and condolences to the family and extended family. (((HUGS)))
Di & GRG Trust Board members.
By Lynn Falconer Co Hamilton:
When I visited Judy in hospital she very proudly told me of the
musical talent of her grandson. She was quite sure I would agree
if I was to hear him. Well I did, and I do! Judy had organised for
her family to not visit her in hospital, she told me it "was
too expensive to be coming up to Hamilton when I will only be here
a few days, and it's almost Christmas!" She was keen to talk
of the family and her wish was to make it through Christmas both
for herself and for them.
When I spoke with her on the phone a few days before she died she
was very pleased to say, "well I made it" and to tell
me that there were no worries they had seen the solicitor and her
grandson's future was secure with Cyril.
Last Thursday January 11th, it was the privilege of the many friends
and colleagues of Judy Arthur to join with her family to celebrate
her life in Rotorua. The many stories we heard told us she was a
woman who cared always for others first and that she enjoyed life
to the fullest. Shirley GRG Co Whakatane, Colleen GRG Co Tauranga
and I came away feeling there had indeed been a celebration. We
are proud to have known you Judy.
We have heard of two other of our Grandparents who sadly had the
loss of their grandchild through medical reasons. To them both we
extend our heartfelt condolences. It is hard enough to lose a child,
and at Christmas/New Year time it is even harder. May God comfort
you all. (((HUGS))) to you and yours.
Message from Sentinel
Sentinel is delighted to be associated with the Grandparents Raising
Grandchildren™ Trust NZ, and sponsoring the monthly newsletter.
Over the past three years we have met many grandparents; some of
whom care for their grandchildren, many others who never see their
grandchildren because of distance. In many cases money is a constant
concern, and through the Sentinel Lifetime Loan over 5,000 New Zealanders
to date have released equity from their home, without having to
move, sell or alter their lifestyle.
The Sentinel Lifetime Loan is not for everyone; however it may be
an option you would like to consider. To receive a free information
brochure please contact us on 0800 867 645, and we’ll be happy
to assist.
We hope you enjoy this newsletter and find it beneficial; we look
forward to assisting the Grandparents Raising Grandchildren™
Trust NZ as they continue to offer such important and valued support.
Christmas Kindness:
In the wider Auckland region 290 food/toy parcels were distributed
to families. 150 GRG children were sponsored nation wide to attend
summer camps. A big thank you to all who made this possible we are
truly grateful. Various Co’s report from their areas that
their local Communities were good to them also.
Record Phone Calls to GRG Office:
October calls were 276 November calls numbered 288 and December
289, there has been a sharp increase in the last 3 months of 2006,
the total for the year was 3,374.
Sister Organisation visits us from United Kingdom:
December saw Diana Whitworth visit us here at the GRG Trust from
Grandparents Plus Organisation in the United Kingdom. Sharing of
views and ideas was very fruitful. Here is the email we received
from Diana:
First I want to thank you so much for your warm welcome and hospitality
when I visited before Christmas. I am sorry I haven't contacted
you sooner, but I only got back on Monday and have just opened my
goody bag of papers you gave me. These travelled all around New
Zealand and to Rorotonga for Christmas! We really enjoyed our trip
and think you live in a wonderful country - camping on the Coromandel,
canoeing on the Wanganui, tramping the Tongariro crossing, the Waitomo
caves, Northland, the Bay of Islands - it was all wonderful. But
my visit to you was an important reminder that behind the wonderful
scenery there are tragedies being played out, and as in the UK,
grandparents raising grandchildren are ignored and invisible. I
was inspired by what you have achieved, and have set to with renewed
vigour to raising money to set up a network.
Diana. return to top What Santa left us?
Santa was very good to my 3 little ones this year, but he also delivered
something we really did not need. CHICKEN POX! The first spots appeared
on Christmas day for one child, and then the other two broke out
in quick succession. Oh well it could have been worse, rather get
the whole lot done at once, instead of just one then weeks later
another and another. Nanny J.
Grandson aged 4:
One that does not live with us, looked at me and said, “you
have lines on your face”, I replied “yes this is what
happens when you get old” (nearly 60) wonder if Ponds 7 day
beauty plan really works? Probably too late now, stress!
Grandma Nancy.
Call for Foster Pay to cut Abuse:
By CHAPPLE IRENE - Sunday Star Times | Sunday, 24 December 2006
Foster parents could be paid as a way of encouraging permanent
caregivers for troubled children after a new report found New Zealand's
child abuse rates were probably worse than reported.
Released last week, the so-called "razor-gang" report
investigated government departments for almost a year after accusations
of waste in bureaucracy.
It found New Zealand's child abuse rates - already one of the worst
in the developed world - were "significantly higher" than
current rates being presented to Child Youth and Family (CYF) and
encouraged permanent placements of troubled kids to help address
the problem.
Social development and employment associate minister Ruth Dyson
said the government was considering "a whole suite of policies"
around care and protection for next year, including paying foster
parents wages and increasing financial support for family carers.
Dyson said helping caregivers was "not just a simple question
of money, but of how much families should do because they're families
and how much state interference is healthy".
The report found abuse rates were likely to be three to five times
higher than the 0.5%-1% of children reported. Notification rates
have tripled in the past five years, from about 2000 to 6000 a month
with a "dramatic increase" in reports from police attending
domestic violence incidents.
The report showed 30% of children investigated by CYF suffered abuse
or neglect again within two years.
CYF deputy chief executive Ray Smith said the figure was similar
to other jurisdictions and showed more agencies were willing to
notify problems.
"There are a small number of families who can't get their act
together for their kids and a number of agencies are trying to help
them get it right."
That could mean schools would ring if a child was not wearing shoes
or had no lunch, and CYF "can't watch families 24/7",
said Smith. He said encouraging permanent caregivers was common
sense.
New Zealand Family and Fostercare Federation executive officer Gaylene
Lawrence said caregivers got $20 a night on average to cover all
the needs of a child, which "doesn't really cut it".
She was pleased better pay was being considered: "When I see
some hard evidence I'll feel better."
Dyson said professionalising foster care had to be considered because
of the recognition that many children needed a lot of specialist
services.
She said some people were obviously in financial need, especially
those over the age of 65 who were less likely to be in paid work
and could not afford to raise a teenager. She said it was possible
the government could consider making "a top up" to social
security payments for grandparents supporting children in the same
way as people get extra allowances for particular health needs.
However, she said it would "not be good public policy"
to undermine family structures.
"I never want to have the situation in which a daughter says
to her mum, `I can't cope with the kids, can you have them for a
couple of months?', but then it has to all go through a formal bureaucratic
process and ordinary family relationships are disrupted."
CYF's departmental report to Cabinet's expenditure committee noted
several problems with the placement system, including a "lack
of clear rationale" as to why caregivers were supported by
different pay systems.
Disparities in financial support was often raised as a problem by
charitable trust Grandparents Raising Grandchildren, which believed
it was disadvantaged compared with children still under the full
care of CYF. It also found concerns that those who took on children
fulltime would be left to manage behavioural issues on their own.
Anti-social behaviour contributed to "difficulties in achieving
permanency, as these children and young people exhibit behaviour
which is distressing or hard to manage", it said. ENDS
We are all very well aware that one can not get funding if parent/s
decide they can not cope with children for a couple of months. The
UCB requirements are that one has to have had a family group conference
which proves family breakdown and the caregiver is to be expecting
to care for the grandchildren for the next 12 months.
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5 Vital Points You Need to Know
About Day-to-Day Care:
Although this is relevant for people separating it is also for kincarers.
Custody becomes Day to Day care A law called The Care of Children
Act has been passed by parliament. This came into force in July
2005. The rules relating to custody did not change significantly
but when the new law is in force custody will become “day
to day care”.
1. What is “day-to-day care”?
Day-to-day care is a new term which has replaced the term “custody”.
Day-to-day care includes care that is provided only for one or more
specified days or parts of days. 2. Who Can Apply?
The father or mother of a child, a partner of a parent, or a guardian
of a child can automatically apply to the Family Court for day-to-day
care. A family or whanau member can also apply for day-to-day care
if it obtains permission from the Family Court.
Other people can also apply for day-to-day care with the Court’s
permission. 3. Can We Agree?
Many parents after separation negotiate their own arrangements for
the care of their children.
These care arrangements are sometimes simply informal agreements
between the parents or can be written up as a parenting plan, usually
with the help of a lawyer. You do not need to go to the Family Court
for a custody order if you are happy to have an informal or written
agreement with your ex partner.
You can make use of the free counselling service provided by the
Family Court to help you negotiate your own informal arrangement
without making a formal application to the Court or seeing your
lawyer. All you need to do is go to your local Family Court and
fill out a request for Family Court counselling. 4. What happens in the Family Court?
If you do decide to make an application to the Family Court for
day-to-day care there are three steps to the usual process:-
• Counselling
Your application will automatically be referred to specialist Family
Court counselling to try and help you and your ex partner come to
your own agreement about care arrangements for your children.
• Mediation
If counselling is not successful the Court will give you a date
for a mediation conference, usually in front of a Family Court Judge.
The mediation conference is another chance for you and your ex partner
to try and agree to the best arrangements for your children. If
you come to an agreement at the mediation conference you can ask
the Court to make formal Court orders. At this stage the Court cannot
impose any decisions on you.
• A Court Hearing
As a last resort you can have a full Court hearing and ask the Court
to decide what the care arrangements should be for your children.
By this stage in the process a lawyer will have been appointed to
represent your children and the Court may have asked for a report
from an appropriately qualified child psychologist or a social worker
to help the Court make a decision which is in the child’s
best interests and welfare.
Rainey Collins:
Call Toll Free: 0800 733 424
PO Box 689 Wellington 6140
Email: lawyers@raineycollins.co.nz
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Strategies for Reducing a Child’s
Distress:
Children pick up on any kind of stress in the home - relationship
difficulties, financial worries, a parent’s distress and any
kind of abuse - even if it’s not directed at them. The following
strategies will help to reduce their distress:
• Reassure the children frequently that the problems in the
home are not their fault. Children usually believe they are in some
way to blame.
• Listen carefully to your children’s fears and concerns.
This lets them know they are important, validates their experience
and helps them to come to terms with how they are feeling.
• Encourage them to talk through their feelings. Children
have a right to all their feelings, including anger. Feelings that
are bottled up often come out later in destructive ways. If you
feel shocked or disagree with their perceptions, try saying ‘I
didn’t know you felt like that.’ This validates their
feelings in a neutral way.
• Hug your child, and say, ‘I you love you,’ often.
Children need a lot of reassurance when their world feels insecure.
Don’t be afraid apologise to the child if you have been unfair
to them.
• When you feel unable to give your children the attention
and affection they need, reassure them that this is temporary and
not their fault. Explain to them that right now you are feeling
upset and need some time for yourself.
• Be honest with your child about what is happening in the
home. Children take in a lot more than we think. Your denial or
secrecy can make them doubt their perceptions and leave them feeling
confused.
• Restrict your discussion to a simple explanation. Telling
them that it is not right for people to hurt one another, and that
you are trying to sort it out can be enough to reassure them.
• Don’t over-burden a child by treating them as a confidant
or expecting them to solve your problems. When children are involved
in adult issues they are powerless to change, it makes them anxious.
• Build your child’s self-esteem and confidence by praising
effort, however small. Praise helps children to believe in themselves.
Direct any criticism at the child’s behaviour, not the child’s
self-image. Rather than saying, ‘You’re stupid’,
say, ‘I don’t like it when....’
• Encourage your children to spend time with loving and reliable
relatives or friends. This will give them access to other types
of family relationships where they can get quality attention in
a stress-free environment.
• Support them in getting involved in activities outside the
home that will build their self-esteem.
• If your partner is likely to become violent, ensure the
children know exactly what to do and where to go for help. Make
sure they have the phone numbers of the police, relatives and neighbours
they may need to contact. Tell them to put their safety first and
let them know that is not their job to try to protect you.
• Be alert to signs of distress and be prepared to leave in
order to protect your children if it becomes necessary. They are
dependent on you for their well-being.
Birthright: Contacts.
Birthright can assist solo grandparents raising their grandchildren.
The policies vary from area to area; if you need assistance please
contact your local branch.
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Birthright Member Societies Contact Details
Branch Postal Address eMail address Physical Address City Phone
Fax President
Ashburton C/o Ashburton Resource Centre, 155 Tancred St. r.p.m@
paradise.net.nz Ashburton Resource Centre, 155 Tancred St. Ashburton
03 308 2331 Phil Godfrey
Central Hawke's Bay 40 Jellicoe St Waipukurau 06 858 8996 Alison
Hiscock
Central Otago Box 28, Alexandra Alexandra 03 448 8386 03 448 8386
Shirley Anderson
Christchurch 141 Hereford St birthrightchch@ xtra.co.nz Christchurch
03 366 9456 03 366 8535 Angela Swinney
Foxton 114 Cummerfield Rd, R.D. 11 Foxton 06 363 6628 06 363 6628
Carol Betty
Greymouth 186 Preston Rd Greymouth 03 768 7581 Mr Kerridge
Hastings Box 491, Hastings carehb@ xtra.co.nz Hastings 06 873 3666
06 876 7050 Alan Whitfield
Hutt Valley Box 44005, Lower Hutt birthrighthutt@ xtra.co.nz 517
High St Lower Hutt 04 566 7123 04 569 3527 Pam Montgomery
Kapiti Box 422, Paraparaumu birthright.kapiti@ paradise.net.nz 31b
Tongariro St Paraparaumu 04 904 0659 04 904 0691 Ross Douglas
Levin Box 436, Levin Room 203, Levin Mall Levin 06 368 7039 06 368
7039 Bruce Turner
Marlborough Marlborough Community House, 25 Alfred St birthright.marlborough@
xtra.co.nz Blenheim 03 577 9488 03 577 9488
Napier Box 1122, Napier birthright@ paradise.net.nz 1st floor Tourism
House, Civic Court Dickens St Napier 06 835 3959 06 835 7248 Louise
Brightwell
Northland Box 1832, Whangarei Whangarei 09 438 2954 09 438 3531
Dianne Simpson
Otaki Box 52, Otaki birthright.otaki@ xtra.co.nz 12 Rangatira St
Otaki 06 364 5558 Cathie Bull
Palmerston North Box 1985, Palmerston North birthright.pn@ inspire.net.nz
Community House, 5 Pitt St Palmerston North 06 357 3509 06 357 3509
Anne Broomfield
Taupo Box 1035, Taupo ableminister@ yahoo.com 86 Ruapehu St. Taupo
07 377 0399 07 377 0399 Veronica Stevens
Tauranga C/o Compass, Box 841, Tauranga Tauranga 07 571 8094 Gerry
Brown
Waikato Box 1052, Hamilton bwaikato@ ihug.co.nz 1000 Victoria St
Hamilton 07 838 0572 07 838 2157 Kay Fleming
Wanganui Box 7252, Wanganui birthrightwang@ xtra.co.nz 60a Guyton
St Wanganui 06 347 1770 06 347 1770 Neal Hooker
Wellington Box 706, Wellington birthright.wellington@ xtra.co.nz
75 Ghuznee St Wellington 04 384 7966 04 384 7968 Barbara Lee
Whakatane 8c Nelson St, Whakatane mavis@ maxnet.co.nz 07 308 7283
07 308 7283 Elsie Walker
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How to be the "Ultimate" Parent:
by Dr. Noel Swanson
We all know what a bad parent looks like: intolerant, constantly
critical, more interested in their own affairs (in both senses of
the word) than in the needs of their children. But what does it
take to be a good parent? What does it take to give your children
the very best start to life that you possibly can?
In the 1960's John Bowlby did a lot of work looking into the effects
of parenting on children. In those days he coined the term "good-enough
parenting". His thesis was that provided you avoided the sins
of "bad" parenting, you were doing okay, and your children,
with their own natural resilience, would also do okay.
So is that all there is to it? Or are there things that you, as
a parent, can do to be more than just a "good enough"
parent. Can you, indeed, be a "super parent", even the
"ultimate" parent? Or is that just a myth of the feminist
movement?
Well, let's get one thing straight once and for all: No one is perfect.
Try as you might, you will never be a "perfect" parent.
You will never get it right every moment of every day for every
year of your children's growing lives. Nor do you need to. In that
sense, Bowlby's concept of "good enough" is very true.
You do not need to be perfect. Your kids WILL survive. "Good
enough" is good enough
But, I suspect that you probably want more for your kids than just
average. I strongly believe that there are things you can do, and
attitudes you can adopt, that will give your children the very best
start to life they could possibly have. And, at the same time, will
actually make life easier and more fulfilling for yourself too.
It is not a long list, but if you can manage the following, then
I believe you have every right to call yourself the "ultimate"
parent:
1) Recognize you are human. You cannot do everything,
you cannot be everywhere, and you cannot know everything. You will
make mistakes. You also have your own issues, problems and hang-ups
from your own past. That is all okay. The key to this game is not
being perfect, but having the right attitude.
What is the right attitude? Being humble. Recognising that you have
much to learn (we all do) and being willing to be teachable and
to learn from your mistakes. A sign of genuine maturity is being
able to look back at your past, recognize the mistakes you made,
and say "this is what I have learnt about myself, and what
I need to work on changing in myself".
But there is a flip side to this. Constantly putting yourself down
with an "I'm no good" attitude is just as bad as the "I
have nothing to learn" attitude. Forgive yourself for your
mistakes. Celebrate your successes. Look back to the past only long
enough to learn from it, then set your sights forward, and press
on in the directions YOU want to go. If you have any serious issues
from the past, be brave enough to seek help and get over them.
2) Recognize you are playing a percentage game.
We have all heard of them: the kids from the most abusive, deprived
backgrounds who somehow manage to make huge successes of themselves.
And the kids from the very best of families (as demonstrated by
their siblings) who somehow go off the rails into drugs and crime.
The reality is that you, the parent, are only one factor in your
children's upbringing. They are also subject to influence from the
friends, other relatives, teachers, shop keepers, TV, magazines
and, of course, their own genetic makeup.
You cannot control all the variables. You might be the very best,
the ultimate parent, and yet your kids turn out as failures. You
might be the very worst, alcoholic and abusive parent, and yet your
kids do fine. Nothing in life is guaranteed.
So you play the percentages. You know that if you beat your kids,
they are more likely to turn out bad than good. So, on average,
beating your kids is probably not a good idea. Using fair and consistent
discipline probably produces better odds for a successful outcome
- so do that instead.
You success as a parent is NOT determined by how well your children
turn out. It IS determined by whether you did all you reasonably
could to do the right things and make the right decisions for them,
WITH THE KNOWLEDGE YOU HAD AT THE TIME. Maybe those decisions turn
out to be the wrong ones.
So be it. That does not mean you failed as a parent. But, if you
were too lazy to get the facts, if you just took the easiest decision
without thinking about the impact on your children, then, I believe,
you have failed - even if it turns out that the decision was the
right one!
3) Recognize your children are not the only things in your
life. In this day and age we seem to be obsessed with the
idea that the interests of the children come first, before anything
else. I strongly disagree with that concept. Yes, we must consider
the best interests of the child, but there are other things to consider
too.
It may be, for instance, that taking a new job in a different city
might be the best thing for your family - even if it means taking
your child away from his school and friends.
By putting children first in everything we run the danger of creating
a selfish, "me first" generation where they grow up believing
that the world owes them a living. Sometimes children have to take
second place - and that in itself is an important lesson about life.
Yes, before making any decision consider its impact on the children.
But, in the end, make up your own mind as to what would be best
for the family as a whole.
4) Look to the long term. Raising children is
a long drawn- out process. Have your long-term goals in mind. How
do you want them to turn out as adults? What qualities and skills
do they need to learn? What experiences do they need, along the
way, to learn those skills and character traits?
Many times as parents we are faced with the choice of taking an
easy, short-term quick fix, or a harder approach that will bear
much more fruit in the long term. The TV is such a classic example
of this. How easy is it, when the kids are playing up, to just switch
on the TV as the electronic babysitter? A quick fix for the immediate
hassle or rowdy kids. But how much better, in the long run, to spend
a bit of time teaching them how to build a model, or sew a soft
toy, or put together a jigsaw?
Call me a Luddite, if you will, but if you really want to be the
ultimate parent I believe the very best thing you could do would
be to sell the TV! Go out to the cinema as a family, instead. Or
go around to your friends or relatives to watch a movie together
as an "event". But don't just have the TV on for hours
every day.
Why? Because of the old saying "garbage in, garbage out".
Is the stuff on TV really what you want your kids to be absorbing
and learning? Do you really want them to depend on passive entertainment?
Is it not better that they learn how to entertain themselves?
5) Look for the positives. Like you, your children
will make mistakes. Forgive them. Correct them gently and move on.
Always be looking for what they did right, not what they did wrong.
Children crave their parents' attention.
Pay attention to what they do wrong, and they will do more of it.
Pay attention to what they do right, and they will be eager to please
your more.
Besides, it is just so much more fun to be in reward mode than punishment
mode.
Finding yourself stuck in punishment mode? Then go back to Key 1,
recognize you need to change something, and have the humility to
go and get a good book, or seek help, so that you can find the way
out.
6) Stick to your guns. Believe in yourself. If
you are doing all the above, then you are well on the right track.
There will be times when you make decisions and you get challenged
on them, either by your children, or by others (such as interfering
relatives). Unless there genuinely are new facts that you weren't
aware of before, don't be swayed.
And don't be afraid to say no - to your children and your relatives
- if that is the right thing to say.
Sure, your decision may turn out to be a bad one. That happens.
Hindsight is 20-20. But far better to stick to your decision, than
to be a plastic bag blowing about in the breeze. You children are
watching you; watching how you deal with life, how you make decisions,
how you cope with adversity, how you believe in yourself and stand
up for yourself and your family. Be a good example for them.
Dr. Noel Swanson, Consultant Child Psychiatrist and author of "The
GOOD CHILD Guide", specializes in children's
behavioural difficulties and writes a free newsletter for parents.
He can be contacted through his website:
www.good-child-guide.com.
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THIS KIND OF STUFF HAS GOT TO STOP IN OUR COUNTRY!
?
We Must Stop This Immediately!
Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper? Groceries are
heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to
the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street
has become! This extension work was apparently done at night!! Very
sneaky stuff!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the youngsters.
They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up
they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same
silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think
I am a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On
the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I
ran into an old friend the other day, and he has aged so much that
he didn't even recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor guy while I was combing my hair
this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection ........Well,
REALLY NOW- even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking
life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of
them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast,
the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would
they suddenly start labelling a size 32 pair of pants a 42, or medium
shirt as 'extra large? Do they think no one notices that these things
no longer fit around the waist, hips?
Thighs and neck?
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank,
but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the
number I see on that dial? Heck! I would never let myself weigh
that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going
on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've
printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever
find a number in there!
All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless
something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer
these awful indignities.
Di
National Convenor and the team.
E te Atua, aroha mai..... O God shower us with love
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