GRANDPARENTS RAISING GRANDCHILDREN ™
CHARITABLE TRUST
National Office Newsletter New Zealand
REPORT TO: Support Group Co-ordinators, GRG
Members,
Kin Carers, Community Organisations and others.
FROM: National Office Convenor
SUBJECT: National Office.
NZ Report August 2005
Incredible people doing incredible things: greetings and Kia Ora.
Family:
Labours announcements for tax cuts for Families with young children
has bought about many questions. Yes we know the cuts are for working
people, but what constitutes a ‘Family” in NZ today.
Are Grandparents/Kin who are working and have custody/guardianship
of children a family? The legislation that the Families Commission
operates under does not define the family, but clause 10 acknowledges
that families are diverse. So where does this leave grandparents/kin
carers…probably again in ‘nowhere land’. We encourage
all grandparents to ask their local MP’s the situation regarding
us. GRG Trust has also asked Labour‘s Minister Maharey about
this but have had no response yet before going to print.
GRG Office hours:
We are available 9am – 3pm daily (we raise grandchildren too)
- you can leave a message on the answer phone if the office is unattended.
Please bear in mind that this number goes through to a home phone
line. We are voluntary and frugal. We literally operate in-house
and not from a multi-story building.
With love from a Grand-daughter:
Aged 13.
Life is all worthwhile when you wake up on Mothers Day to find a
decorated frame and flower beside you with a handwritten poem carefully
place inside. I hang this frame in my lounge and read it every day.
"To Nana" Happy Mothers Day: To nana I hope you have a
great mother’s day. I know you are not my mum but you have
brought me up like a mother is supposed too. This card is technically
from the heart so anything I say I mean I do love you very much
and I need to know what you like to munch because for next mothers
day I will get you brunch that you can eat for breakfast and lunch.
This year, I hope you feel loved, from friends, family and most
of all make sure you eat your lunch. That's all I could come up
with, I love you so much thank you for looking out for me and making
my lunch, and here's a flower. Love ........a grand-daughter.
CYF Clothing Allowances:
Grandmother writes to us in regard to this: For 11 years she has
cared for her grandson under a care & protection order. She
initially was granted an Emergency Unemployment benefit with a Support
Order from CYF. The Support Order was never supplied, no matter
how many times it was requested. As the child approached high school
things were becoming tough. She gained courage to speak to the Council
for Child and he in turn wrote to CYF asking for a clothing Allowance
of $500 per year in February of this year. In June of this year
she was telephoned with the news that she would be getting $2000
per year clothing Allowance. The grandmother is delighted. (Abridged
letter).
We are also delighted for this Grandmother BUT she should have been
receiving this all along. These sorts of circumstances can often
be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. We salute you Grandmother
for having survived all those years with no financial support from
CYF when you were entitled.
return to top
The School Trip:
When the grandchildren were younger (and I also) these school trips
were an effort but never the less I attended. College has seen less
of these (thank goodness) but the other day grand-daughter phoned
from school asking if I could attend as out of 28 girls only one
mother had offered to supervise. This particular day was my GRG
meeting day so I said I had this to attend. With that she promptly
put her teacher on the telephone who informed me that unless I could
come they would have to cancel. So I agreed to forgo my meeting
and go with them. She then went on to explain that they would be
climbing the headlands above a beach to do sketching. The word ‘headlands’
jumped down the telephone line. This sounded steep, high and a climb.
Now I am 56 and asthmatic. These strenuous words almost bought on
an asthma attack right then and there! But I had agreed, that night
I woke every hour on the hour from 1am- 5 with thoughts of climbing
Everest entrenched in my mind. The day dawned fine and sunny so
this was indeed a bonus at least it was not raining, but then again
if it had been, they may have cancelled and I could retreat into
the non strenuous GRG meeting. Ha, no such luck. So off I set with
asthma inhaler, spacer and water in my back pack. The girls were
typical 14 year olds, full of energy and walked at a cracking pace.
We rounded the corner and there before me was my Everest. A narrow
path rose vertically and evilly snaked to the right obscuring goodness
know what. Flashes of thoughts raced thru my mind. Heart attacks,
asthma attacks and to get me out one would need the rescue helicopter.
Suddenly loud and clear I could hear Kenny Rogers song The Gambler
singing loudly in my mind, “know when to hold it, know when
to fold it” This was enough for me, I folded it! The teacher
meantime must have seen the look on my face (colour had drained
at this point) and kindly said, you stay down here I will take all
the girls. So I had a peaceful hour sitting in the sun on the sand
watching the sea, something far more becoming for this granny. And
I did not need to puff on my inhaler once.
Next time I will make sure I know where we are going before agreeing
to anything!
Great Reading: From the Library.
Raising our Children's Children: By Deborah Doucette-Dudman with
Jeffrey R. LaCure
Masterton/Wairarapa GRG Support Group.
Are holding their meetings every 3rd Monday 10am on the 3rd Floor
Wairarapa Community Counselling Building. Phone Erin on 06 304 9981
or Anne on 06 377 3440.
Hamilton GRG Support Group:
Hamilton group is still meeting on the third Tuesday of the month
at the Methodist Social Services building 62 London Street Hamilton
at 10am. Contact Lynn 8557280 if you need a ride.
Grandchildren/Whanau with disabilities:
Hon Pete Hodgson Associate Minister of Health has written to the
Trust. He suggests that Grands/kin carers need to visit www.weka.net.nz.
This site covers typical services that grandparents as primary caregivers
may wish to access, via NASC agencies, include respite care (both
out-of-home and in-home respite care), home based support services
(HBSS), which include assistance with personal care and domestic/household
management, and sleepover. If a full time caregiver is not in paid
employment, carer support is also an option. Carer support is intended
to be used as a break by contributing to the cost of an alternative
care to assist and support the child with the disability for a specified
number of days. This may include assisting and supporting the child
to participate in activities of daily life at home and/or school.
A form will have to be filled in by an assessment agency/mental
health team. These applications go to the Ministry of Health and
have nothing to do with WINZ unlike the Disability Allowance.
return to top
Stats: In Judith Collins’ MP
email on CYF foster Care placements:
• 2004/2005 - 70 children aged two and under were placed in
three or more foster homes.
• 2003/2004 - 33 children aged two and under were placed in
three or more foster homes.
• 2002/2003 - 12 children aged two and under were placed in
three or more foster homes.
• 2004/2005 - 585 children aged 13 and under were placed in
three or more foster homes.
• 2003/2004 - 516 children aged 13 and under were placed in
three or more foster homes.
• 2002/2003 - 424 children aged 13 and under were placed in
three or more foster homes.
This Newsletter:
We are on a membership drive: Do you know of other kin/grands that
raise and do not get this newsletter but would like to? Please get
them to contact us with their details - not only will they get our
monthly newsletters but also our handbook and other relevant information.
The more members we have the louder our collective voices are. Information
on how to email, phone, fax or write to us at end of this newsletter.
UCB Benefit:
Children gaining independence or returning to parent/s or anyone
else and are no longer in your care, you must notify WINZ immediately
to get this UCB stopped.
High Times TV3 Doco last month:
Well we guess GRG ended up on the cutting room floor. A good show
about drugs through the times but such a shame they did not do the
final fallout and how it affects the wider family not just the user.
Watched this with our 14 year old grand-daughter and it was interesting
to hear her say that she felt party drugs were OK to take as long
as you followed the instruction on the box. Yet this show had just
said how taking one tablet could lead to taking more. When I explained
this to her, her answer was, “no I do not believe that and
I am allowed to form my own opinion, they can’t be bad otherwise
you would not be able to buy them”. What message is society
sending to our impressionable youth! Try giving her a block of chocolate
and tell her she is only allowed one piece….yeah right!
Article: Sunday Star Times 7/8/05
by Wayne Brown:
The Blame Game - our hunt for scapegoats with deep pockets. By Wayne
Brown.
An elderly couple, looking after their grandchildren,
because their daughter was a drug addict and couldn’t, or
wouldn't care for the kids, complained because they were being paid
less than a foster parent. Because their only income was the pension,
things were tight. They took no responsibility for their daughter's
behaviour and no joy from helping their kin. It was our fault, so
we should pay. (excerpt)
GRG Trust letter to the editor:
Wayne Brown's article in SST 7/8/5 opened with a stinging attack
on Grandparents raising their Grandchildren, obviously he does not
know much about Grandparents who raise their Grandchildren. Our
resent research into this subject revealed the majority age of the
'mother' was 26.9 years and the 'father' 29.8 years when grand's
took over care. Surprising is it not, hey, they are actually adults
whom one would assume make adult decisions. Also I would like to
ask you, if you were on a pension and had the care of your traumatised
grandchildren and say one was 15 you would have to supply everything
for his existence on the Unsupported Child Benefit which is the
princely sum of $128.97 per week. Now by everything I mean, food/clothes/school
fees/books/uniforms/doctors bills/shoes/ absolutely everything.
How would you manage? And if it were not for the Grandparents how
much more would the tax payer have to pay if they had to be kept
in state care and at what cost to the children.
Our retirement funds have been exhausted in paying Lawyers in the
Family Court system over many years to keep these children safe.
Why many years, because the "parent/s" drug addicted,
are able to access Legal Aid because they do not own anything and
are often on a benefit. But the poor grand's whom have worked all
their lives and are prepared to sacrifice these retirement funds
and indeed their retirement for the sake of abused children are
been criticised because they are finding things tight.
We too pay twice for these so called "parents" in legal
aid and for our own legal fees.
It also must be said that often these grandchildren are not a 'joy'
due to the past neglect and abuse, they come with issues and indeed
many of them have special needs, including psychological issues.
We may have raised 3 children 2 are pillars of society but one adult
decided to do drugs, why are we responsible. Walk a week in our
shoes Wayne, you would certainly think twice.
And another letter:
Following your blinkered report:
It is a great pity that neither you or your editor took the initiative
and delved a little deeper in to this problem that basically belongs
to society in general (after all you are paying for it). My child
is not drug-addicted, the problem is: my child was attacked and
left with horrific head injuries and damn near died. My child now
has a problem coping with life for the self, let alone any children
but unfortunately there are so many others who think they are the
great healers...My child's decisions on who is the partner for life,
is left wanting. Wrong decisions, have left children. One of these
children we have paid over $10,000 (from our retirement fund) to
secure and make safe. For this child on Unsupported Child Benefit
or Orphans Benefit she (as an 8 year old) is entitled to $111.88
per week and that pays for everything, clothes, food, doctors fees
(of $10.00 per visit) plus medication, school fees, school sports
etc I MEAN EVERYTHING. Do I really need to go further????? The other
child we have taken on is under CYF's, whereby her board payments
amount to $259.70 per fortnight, on top of which medical fees, school
fee’s, sports, books, clothing allowance quarterly, specialist
fees, even access fees are paid for, by you the taxpayer.
A great shame on you for not going to government and
asking the question and what are they going to do about it. Why
is there such a difference, why are these children discriminated
against just because they are in kin care rather than stranger care.
We as grandparents have saved for our retirement and have assets;
therefore we cannot claim legal aid as these parents do, yet they
can take us to court time and time again. As grandparents with assets
we have to pay legal fees, the parents on legal aid are relying
on you the taxpayers to foot their bills.
One of my grandparents has had a legal bill of over
$100,000 is this fair on us as retirees when neither you nor the
government will look after us in old age??? GRG Co-ordinator
AND:
I saw the short piece on the TV news about the grandparents you
refer to in your article and immediately appreciated that this would
have been a much-edited snippet of a longer interview. A shame that
you did not question what the whole story was before jumping to
conclusions about whether or not they were responsible for how their
child(ren) had turned out.
I am also a grandparent raising a grandchild, a grandson who is
now 15 and who has been with me for the last 8 years. His mother
is the second of my three children. Her siblings are mature, financially
successful, well-educated adults.
Unfortunately my grandson's mother has been cursed with severe depressive
illness exacerbated by recreational drug abuse and involvement in
the sex industry. She has a history of violent relationships and
an inability to keep her children safe. We have recently needed
to remove a second child from her care.
Which part of her behaviour should be sheeted home to her parents?
She was raised in a loving home where great emphasis was placed
on the family values which have made good citizens of her siblings.
Her severe depression seems to be organic in origin and has responded
poorly over the years to prescribed medications. As parents, we
have fought tirelessly for over 15 years to get her appropriate
help through the mental health system, to house and financially
support her and to protect her children from her worst excesses.
I therefore do not in any way feel that we have failed her through
our parenting. Her self-medication with addictive drugs began as
her attempt to raise her mood but the nature of both the substances
and her predisposition to addictive behaviours have resulted in
the destruction of her personality and any ability she may have
had to live anything approaching a "normal" life. Many
of her decisions have been appalling but they are the decisions
of an adult and quite contrary to the values she was raised with.
The responsibility for these decisions therefore rests with her.
As a grandparent whose life has been turned upside down by assuming
care of a grandchild at minimal cost to the State and with no other
support that hasn't been paid for from our own pockets, I take issue
with your flippant dismissal of the severity of the problem we have
in this country. We should be lauded for not handing over our grandchildren
to the State to care for, not damned for seeking to get adequate
financial assistance to do this job at a time in our lives when
we are on either fixed or declining incomes.
These children are the future of our country and need an investment
that recognises their true worth.
Plus:
I would like to ask this Journalist why he is not up in arms about
the amount of Legal Aid the parent/s of our abused Grandchildren
are getting paid for by the tax payer. I happen to know the parent
of our grandchildren got $84K in Legal Aid fees over a 4-year period
using 5 different Lawyers. If I was afforded the same Legal Aid
then I would have my hard earned $25K still in my retirement funds
to raise the grandchildren with, and I would not have to be looking
for the ‘State’ /tax payer to help out.
Thanks to all the other who also wrote in to Sunday
Star Times and sent copies to us.
return to top
RESPITE CARE HOUSE:
As parents and caregivers of special needs children, our school
community has been aware for some time of a need for out-of -home
respite to give families a break from caring for their children,
who often have challenging behaviours.
Our school community has successfully lobbied the Ministry of Health
for a facility such as this and we are delighted that this dream
is becoming a reality.
The Open Homes Foundation have been given a Ministry
of Health contract to open a respite care house for students under
the age of 16 living in the Eastern Corridor area of Auckland. This
house can cater for children with challenging behaviours. The house
is now expected to be operational mid August.
This facility is a new model for this type of care,
in that it will be in a family home situation rather than a staffed
facility.
A family with considerable experience in foster care and their two
teenage children will be living in the house. The house is situated
in Howick and will be fully fenced. There will be three separate
bedrooms for the children who are staying. Access will be through
the Taikura Trust and will not involve using carer support days.
The Ministry of Health has indicated that further houses could be
available if this facility is a success.
We at GRG sincerely hope this facility is a huge success and this
model mirrors itself all over NZ our research called loud and clear
that respite care was a huge issue for GRG’s of whom many
are bringing up children with challenging behaviours and special
needs.
Free
Caregiver courses for October 2005:
06 & 07 October Palmerston North Legal Issues
08 & 09 October Masterton Family Dynamics
13 & 14 October Dunedin Safe Caring
14 & 15 October Auckland South Safe Caring
14 & 15 October Waitakere Older Child
15 & 16 October Whangarei Child Health
17 & 18 October Waihi Caregiver Induction
20 & 21 October Cromwell Understanding Maltreatment
27 & 28 October Rangiora Legal Issues
21 & 22 October Blenheim Managing Behaviours
28 & 29 October Waitakere Caregiver Induction
29 & 30 October Hamilton “
29 & 30 October Palmerston North “
31 & 01 October Ashburton Legal Issues
To register: please contact Maxine Carroll on 0800 227 305 or fax
04 9132168.
CYF will reimburse petrol money and child care costs.
return to top
PORSE NZ:
This is a service for people who look after other peoples children
and it is not available to parents. Porse is in-home childcare and
offers grandparents/kin support in so many ways including a precious
journal, treasuring those moments through the child’s day,
visits from a qualified programme manager to offer ideas, support
and a wealth of knowledge. Children and families have the opportunity
to meet other families and children through our weekly playschool
and regular outings in the community. Providing, that the Grandparents/kin
carers have: no legal status over the children IE custody/guardianship
nor are the children under CYF.
Grandparents/kin may even qualify for a PORSE contribution of up
to $60 per fortnight per family. This PORSE contribution is tax-free
and non-income tested. Please contact the co-ordinator near you.
There is an initial set up fee.
Auckland Central
Ph 09 376-372
East & West Wellington
Pat Thompson
Ph 04 387-8612
Central Wellington
Janet Attrill
Ph 04 387-8614
Lower Hutt
Rachel Wrigley
Ph 04 570-0133
Whitby/Porirua
Yvonne Wilson
Ph 04 235-9631
Mob 021 617-044
Christchurch
Ally Muir
Ph 03 377 9911
return to top Compass Seminars:
AUCKLAND
'Becoming Attached' with Wendy Kelly
Assessing & Addressing Child Attachment Concerns 17/10/2005
$159.00
CHRISTCHURCH
Think Good-Feel Good with Sue Cowie
Unraveling Cognitive Behavioural Therapy 19/09/2005 $145.00
HAMILTON
'Childhood Trauma' with Dr Louise Newman
The Developmental Implications of Child Abuse & Neglect 7/09/2005
$140.00
NAPIER
Getting Past @#%$ You with Nigel Latta
Engaging & Connecting with Difficult Children & Young People
13/10/2005 $145.00
NEW PLYMOUTH
'Childhood Trauma' with Dr Louise Newman
The Developmental Implications of Child Abuse & Neglect 5/09/2005
$130.00
PALMERSTON NORTH
'Childhood Trauma' with Dr Louise Newman
The Developmental Implications of Child Abuse & Neglect 6/09/2005
$135.00
ROTORUA
Getting Past @#%$ You with Nigel Latta
Engaging & Connecting with Difficult Children & Young People
14/10/2005 $145.00
WELLINGTON
'Becoming Attached' with Wendy Kelly
Assessing & Addressing Child Attachment Concerns 12/10/2005
$145.00
Email: Seminars@compass.co.nz
Phone: 06 7591647
Fax: 06 7591648
Postal: Compass Seminars
PO Box 5119
New Plymouth
New Zealand
Or contact any of their helpful team directly:
Craig McKenzie
(any queries)
Craig@Compass.ac.nz
Needed:
Articles and stories from you! This newsletter is for you, so if
you wish to contribute please write, fax or email us. Names are
not necessary. Humour is always great or achievements your grandchildren
have made, no matter how small.
return to top
WHEN YOUR
TEEN CHOOSES BAD FRIENDS:
The Problem
Recently, a well known educator and speaker on parenting issues
made a list of all the difficult questions parents had been asking
him about their teens. He noticed that of all the issues that are
bothering parents, the number one concern is what to do about bad
friends. This question was asked more than twice as often as the
next most common concern.
This educator then did a very interesting experiment.
At the time he was working with a number of troubled teens. Many
of these teens were estranged from their families. Some of them
had resolved their difficulties and were already in the process
of making peace with their parents.
He asked these teenagers, “What should I tell
parents so that their children won’t have the problems you
are having.”
He asked their advice on a number of issues that parents
were finding difficult. In general, these teenagers had very good
advice. However, when he asked them what to do about the number
one issue that was troubling parents about their teens, none of
them had anything to say.
He then asked these teens what is was that got them
in trouble in the first place. The number one answer was bad friends.
So the number one issue that worries parents about
their teens is bad friends. The number one cause of teens getting
into trouble is bad friends. And the answer that these teens gave
as to how to help parents deal with this issue was, “There
is nothing parents can do.”
The Reasons
One reason that parents can’t separate their child from a
bad friend is that the friend often has a stronger relationship.
When a child is young, his parents are the major influence in his
life. As children enter adolescence a change occurs. A natural part
of growing up is breaking away from parents and making bonds with
peers. This is normal. If the parent child bond is healthy, children
will eventually renew their ties with their parents. This happens
in the late teens or early twenties. But throughout most of adolescence,
a normal child is closer to his friends than his family.
A second reason parents find it so difficult to separate
their teens from bad friends is that, to put it simply, you can’t
take away what you can’t replace. Parents cannot replace their
child’s friends.
There is very little you can do to separate your child
from bad friends and bad influences once he reaches his teenage
years. However, there are a number of guidelines of what not to
do. If you follow these few principles, it will help you ride out
the storm and minimize the problems.
What You Can Do
Do Not Attack Your Child’s Friends
When your child is running in a bad crowd, your hold on him is loose
or non-existent. The last thing you want to do is to acquire an
enemy. If you make a personal attack on your child’s friend,
that is exactly what you are going to get, a sworn enemy. This enemy
will now be out to get you and he very likely has more influence
on your child than you do.
It will not help to tell your child not to tell this
friend. If you trash your child’s friend, this person will
know about it minutes to hours after the words leave your mouth.
You will have made an enemy for life, at a time when you need every
ally that you can get.
This does not mean you cannot criticize the behavior.
It is fair and reasonable to tell your child that you object to
the kinds of things his friend is doing. However, don’t make
it a personal attack. Once you do that, you place yourself in a
battle that you are almost certain to lose.
Enlist Help
As part of growing up, your child is trying to break away from you
and forge his own path in life. This is normal. However, this need
to break away only involves you. It does not involve other adults.
This gives you an opportunity to indirectly influence your child.
You should try to find an adult or a responsible older
teen that can foster a relationship with your child. It can be a
member of your extended family or someone in your community. You
can have this person keep contact with your child and try to direct
him whenever possible.
Your child will be confiding in someone. It is much
better if you can arrange that it is an adult or an older teen whose
judgment you trust. Most teens just confide in their peers.
If your child is still young, you should take the
opportunity to try to set up a relationship with someone older while
you still have influence. I personally have set up several adults
for each of my teenage children. These are people my children respect.
Though I have not needed them yet, I know that I can rely on them
if things ever turn sour.
Here is an important point to remember. If your child
is confiding in a responsible adult, then you must be careful not
to pressure this person to reveal what is being discussed. You have
the right to know some general answers, like if things are okay
or if your child is going through a rough time. But do not press
for information. You may be doing great harm to your child.
Get to Know Your Child’s Friends
This is very bold advice, but it usually works well. You should
get to know your child’s friends personally. A number of good
things may come out of this.
You may find out that the children with whom your
child associates are really not as bad as your initial impression.
The teen years are hard on everyone. All children have difficulty.
It is very possible you might find that your child’s friends
are basically good kids who are going through tough times.
Here is how you can do it. Pick an event, like your
child’s birthday or the end of the school year or some other
special occasion. Tell your child that you want to take him and
four or five of his friends out to dinner to celebrate. Take them
to a restaurant. If you are going to be embarrassed by being seen
with them, take them somewhere away from your home. If you live
in Brooklyn, take them to a restaurant in Queens. If you live on
the Boston North Shore take them to a restaurant on the South Shore.
You don’t have to embarrass yourself, but you should be subtle
about it. Your child shouldn’t be able to figure out that
the reason you are driving 20 miles away from your house is that
you would rather be dead than be caught seen with his friends.
Here is what you will gain:
1. You might find that you misjudged these children.
2. You will be giving your child the messages that since they are
his friends, you welcome them.
3. You will be giving your child’s friends the same message.
Depending upon their own personal situation you may be the only
adult in their lives that are treating them as people.
4. You will be acquiring four or five allies who are in a very strong
position to help you at a time when you need it most.
The Advantage of Having Your Child’s Friends as Allies
The first thing that you need to know is that children have a very
strong sense of right and wrong. They may be doing the wrong thing,
but they are well aware of it.
Now, picture this scenario. Your child is out with
his friends Saturday night doing what you would rather not know
about. It is 11:30 and you get a call on the phone. Your child is
having a great time and everyone is still here, can he stay out
until 2 am? You remind your child that he has a 12:00 curfew and
he has to be home. Your child says a few choice things to you to
and slams down the phone.
Now to whom does a teen complain when he is angry
with his parents? His friends! So after he hangs up he goes to his
friend and starts calling you every name in his somewhat extensive
vocabulary. Let’s say that this friend is someone you took
out to dinner three weeks ago.
That person might just say to your child, “What’s
wrong with you? Your mother is okay. Look, you know she’s
right. Why are you giving her such an attitude?” This teen
that you just took out to dinner may send your child home before
any of the real trouble starts, all because you bought him dinner
and treated him like a person.
Now what would happen if you had trashed this person?
Do you think he’d be so quick to take your side? That’s
the advantage of making your child’s friends allies instead
of enemies.
Conclusion
Your teen is going to pick his friends. At this age, there is very
little you can do to influence his choices. However, if you approach
the problem with wisdom, there are a number of ways you can indirectly
influence your child and help him to stay out of trouble.
Anthony Kane, MD
return to top
TAMING TWO YEAR-OLDS:
About 2 year olds: First of all, don't be fooled by them! Just because
they are little, just because they don't talk well, and haven't
been around too long, doesn't mean they don't know exactly how to
manipulate you to get what they want! Just like anyone else, whatever
the age, they will do their best to get the things that they want.
And if throwing a temper tantrum or whining, or any other such behaviour
works to get you to see things their way, then of course they will
do it!
So, how do you deal with them? Just the same as you
would with an older child:
(a) you need to be clear about what behaviours you
will accept or not accept. Don't take on a battle if it really isn't
important
(b) Be clear about your instructions - say what you mean, and mean
what you say. Say it once and don't repeat
yourself
(c) Once you have done that, then follow it up with action,
(d) Yes, you can use time out with little ones: but instead of sending
them to their room, how about using a "manners chair"?
Here is how it works:
Get a small child's chair and put it in a corner somewhere
- facing into the room. If they fail to do as they are told (after
you have said what you mean and meant what you said - 123 Magic
works well for that) then you send them to the chair with words
to the effect of: "Oh dear, you seem to have lost your good
manners again. You had better go and sit in the chair until you
find them again."
Once they have found their manners - as evidenced
by compliance or better behaviour or them telling you so, then
they can come off the chair. In the meantime you ignore them. Especially
if they are fussing or whining.
In order to keep this light rather than as a heavy
punishment, you can offer to help them to find their manners again.
Suggest to them that they may have dropped them under the chair,
or in their pockets, or perhaps they even fell in their shoes. This
helps to turn them away from whining to a more positive attitude
(and turns you from shouting to being helpful). Usually the manners
are found pretty quickly.
Once they have found their manners, you can then tell
them to do what they were originally supposed to do, or perhaps
they need to apologise (e.g. to their sister for thumping her!).
Unlike with normal time-out (where it is a clear connection
with bad behaviour = miss out on fun by being in time out), with
the manners chair you CAN ask them to apologize, or otherwise revisit
the incident, since the evidence of them having found their manners
is a return of compliant polite behaviour. If they still refuse,
then they clearly didn't find their manners, so they need to go
back to the manners chair and have another look.
There is a danger that this in itself can become too
much of a game for them since they get a lot of attention from you
when you are helping them to find their manners. You will need to
strike the right balance between "time-out" i.e. ignoring
them, and a bit of assistance (since they are young, and this is
all new to them).
What is important is that you don't get into yelling
mode, and they don't get away with inappropriate behaviour. Keep
it calm, keep it positive, keep showing that you still love them,
but that the behaviour is the problem - i.e. the child is not the
problem, the problem is simply that she has lost her manners temporarily
- once she has found them again, then all will be well again.
Now, what about when you are out in public? The key
there, as everywhere else, is that you have to mean what you say,
say what you mean, and follow up with action.
So, how do you time out in public? Three options:
1. Sit them down in the aisle and do a kind of "manners chair"
in which no one is going anywhere else until he has found his manners.
2. Take them out and do a time out in the car. They are in the car,
you are outside, looking AWAY from them. You stand there and you
wait patiently until they are quiet. Do NOT respond or get into
a "discussion" with them until the time-out is up.
3. Abandon the shopping trip and go home and do the time out there.
You will only have to do this a few times before they
get the message that you mean business in public just as you do
at home. While doing all of this: remember to stay calm and in control.
Getting into a lather about it all will just make things worse rather
than better.
Finally: a version of the Homework Schedule:
15 minutes: looking for assignment.
11 minutes: calling a friend for the assignment.
23 minutes: explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not
like children.
8 minutes: in the bathroom.
10 minutes: getting a snack.
7 minutes: checking the TV Guide.
6 minutes: telling grandparents that the teacher never explained
the assignment.
10 minutes: sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Nan or Pop
to do the assignment and no, telling the teacher the dog ate the
homework does not work!
Di
National Convenor and the team.
E te Atua, aroha mai..... O God shower us with love
Ka kite
return to top
* Please feel free to send this report on to others
whom you think may be interested:
* Please pass this on to other grandparents/kin carers you know
of.
* Views expressed in this newsletter may not be the views of the
GRG Trust.
* GRG Trust Head Office hours are 9am-3pm daily. (We raise grandchildren
too)
* We are totally a voluntary organisation.
Abbreviations:
• GRG – Grandparents raising Grandchildren ™
• H/O – Head Office
• H/B – Handbook
• BOT – Board of Trustee’s
• CYF – Child Youth & Family Services • Co’s
– Co-ordinator/s
• UCB – Unsupported Child Benefit.
• WINZ – Work & Income NZ now DWI – Department
of Work & Income
• Grand’s – Grandparents
• G/c – grandchild/ren
Membership: 2983 (families)
Web: www.raisinggrandchildren.org.nz Email parenting2@xtra.co.nz
Free Phone 0800 GRANDS or 0800 472637 (not for use for Auckland
callers)
Tel: 09 4806530 Fax: 09 4806572 Postal Add: PO Box 34 892 Birkenhead.
Auckland
If you no longer wish to receive this newsletter please
contact the Trust Office as this is where the total mail out membership
is kept.
Moved home or planning to…be sure to let us know.
Te Tautoko i nga Mätua Tupuna, me nga Mokopuna.
Te Ao mai rano, aianei, a muri ake nei.
Supporting: Grandparents and grandchildren.
Our past: present and future.
