SUBJECT: National Office NZ Report April 2008

Carer Data base: 3617
Greetings, Kia Ora koutou katoa hope this finds you all well.

ADVANCED NOTICE – ONE OF OUR SUCCESSES!
The research that GRG carried out in 2004 and was published in 2005 was an enormous success. It brought to light your struggles and successes, and made visible the lives of Grandparents and other relatives/whanau who are raising their special kin children. The research has been recognized nationally and internationally by government, policy makers and practitioners. It would not have happened without you! Thank you!

NOW, it is time to see how well your families have coped over the last four years. Have things got better? Are you getting more help? How are your children doing? How are you faring?

We therefore are asking all those families who were part of the 2004 research to respond again to a questionnaire we will be sending you shortly, so we have even better evidence to advocate for you all.
As well as those who answered last time, we are interested in others who can tell us how things have gone for them. If you would like to be included in this research and did not participate last time please email, phone or write and let us know, also those who did participate in the 2004 research questionnaire could you contact us on email office@grg.org.nz or phone Auckland 4806530 and for those whom this is a toll call, please use 0800 472 637, we do NEED those who undertook the 2004 research to respond again but would also like to hear from those people who maybe were not part of GRG then, but have been caring for a while.

We will be giving you the option of responding on-line, if you wish. Please be aware, that all information you give is strictly anonymous and there will be no way that you can be identified. An independent company will be receiving your answers and no identifying information will be given.

We also really want to hear from those whose children have gone back to parents or moved into independence.

Jill Worrall. Researcher/GRG Board member.

Wanganui Support group
Lynette Dickinson has kindly agreed to facilitate this group. Thank you Lynette and a warm welcome. Ph 06 344 2830. Email is lynette.deedee@gmail.com

Glen Innes/ Panmure members
Membership is growing in this area; therefore we see the need for a support group there. Expressions of interest should be made to Alison Cuthbert on 09 445 9671. return to top

Your letters…

Forgetful Nanny, Clever Grandson aged 5 Nanny Jo
Driving him home from school he asked, “Why do you have so many lines on your face?” I replied, “Because I am old” he said, “that’s not what you said last time, you said it was because you did not put sun block on when you were little” Whoops! “Ummm yes that too”

Who Remembers?
Junket made with a tablet (what WAS in that tablet?): Homemade rice pudding: Coddled eggs: Bread & Butter pudding: Car less days (stickers on windows for days not allowed to drive): Butter shortage in early 70’s (making your own butter from cream and salt and pouring off the whey).

You know you are getting old… When you pack more medications than you do clothing!

My Heart is broken
I took you in as a small baby from parents who were addicted to substance abuse. For 15 years I cared for you and did my best for you and then your younger sibling. Times were hard and yes we did struggle not just with finances but also with the addicted parents, whom had access. I stood by you, supported you and encouraged you. Then came an awful day when you told me you hated me and was going to go and live with your parents, who were still in the same situation they were in 15 years ago. My heart broke, I questioned myself, why, how, had I wasted 15 years of my life, what had I done wrong? To say I am shattered is an understatement! More so as I am now aware that you did not last long with your parents and you are now living goodness knows where, yes I am seeing a counselor to cope and I can only hope that over the 15 years that some of the goodness I have put into you will carry you through. Sad Nan.

She wrote:
Hi, My name is Amy Wallace, I'm 12 years old and I am doing a school project, this involves giving your old toys or clothes etc to a charity and I would like to donate to Grandparents Raising Children because I would like to donate to people less fortunate than me and helping the elderly and the children to hopefully make a difference.

I live in ******, so I was wondering if there was a group local to me. I heard there was a drop off point for goods in ******.

I think what you are doing for these people is really considerate and I will look forward to hearing from you.

Yours Sincerely,
Amy Wallace XOXO

We wrote:
Hello Amy
What a wonderful caring girl you are, WELL DONE! Yes you are right there are a lot of children who because of family breakdown have to live with their elderly grandparents. But you know what, they LOVE them!

We have a group near you who would be very grateful for what you are offering. I have copied this email to our co-ordinator and would like her to contact you for arrangements for pick-up.
Sweetheart, keep up your caring nature it will stand you in good stead as you become an adult.
Thank you, Amy. return to top

My Little man is growing up: All of 5 years old
We went to the big red shed where they were having a sale on DVD’s, he chose Blues Clues. Later walking around the store I noticed he did not have it and asked where is was. He produced it from under his tee shirt, ”why was it there” I asked. He replied, “Well, it is sort of babyish, but I still like it and I do not want anyone to see me with it” “Awe honey I will hold it for you “Growing up is so hard to do, letting go of the old and embracing the new.

Thank you Labour Government for the small increase to Unsupported child Benefit (UCB): 1/4/08
But it is not enough!

Foster Care Payment: Quarterly Clothing Allowance: Birthday/Xmas Pay: Pocket money:

According to my calculation my 14 year old grandchild whom is getting the UCB & Care Supplement is $2356.16 worse off per year. Is this not discrimination?

Rebate Claims for School donations etc:
You should by now have received your rebate claim form from IRD to claim for school donations, childcare or housekeepers. If you do not have one, please phone 0800 227 774 to get one. Have your tax number handy.

Do You have a health & disability issue & feel like you are banging your head against that brick wall?... Nationwide Health and Disability Advocacy Service: There is no charge for this service.

Independent health and disability advocates are located all over New Zealand. Their role is to inform consumers about their rights when using health and disability services, and to assist consumers who have concerns and want to make a complaint. They also offer education and training about consumer rights and provider duties to the providers of health and disability services.

Advocacy is a very successful way of resolving complaints, and is usually achieved more quickly than by other options.
A health and disability advocate belonging to the Nationwide Advocacy Service will listen to consumers' concerns and explain the options available to resolve a complaint. The advocate is on the side of the consumer and will support and assist the consumer in any actions he or she chooses to take to resolve concerns.

The service is free, confidential, and independent of service providers such as hospitals, organisations that fund services, government agencies, and the Health and Disability Commissioner. Although covered by the same legislation as the Health and Disability Commissioner, the advocacy service reports to an independent Director of Advocacy.
In 2006-2007, the service was provided by 36 advocates, 28.5 full-time equivalent hours, with 8 staff providing management and administration services.

The service managed a total of 8,388 enquiries and 4,078 complaints over this period. Of those complaints 88% were either fully or partially resolved. In addition, advocates took part in 2,575 networking contacts within their local communities and carried out, 1,665 education sessions across the country.
Advocates are based in 26 offices, stretching from Kaitaia to Invercargill, with five in the South Island. All advocates can be contacted through a local telephone number or on free-phone 0800 555 050, free-fax 0800 2787 7678, or by emailing advocacy@hdc.org.nz return to top

In areas where there is no advocacy office, particular effort is made to link with local networks to maintain a profile and to ensure consumers are able to contact an advocate and receive assistance when they need it. Regular visits are also made to these areas by the closest advocate, to network with the local community, to be available to assist with any concerns about health and disability services, and to provide education sessions.

Kids Friendly NZ
Kids Friendly New Zealand has being updating its website www.kidsfriendlynz.com recently and we have a lot more articles and a new accommodation section all aimed at parents, grandparents and caregivers. And of course it is free to view.

The monthly online magazine has lots of different articles ranging from travel through to lifestyle and general interest articles. Kids Friendly NZ has been described by an ex-Plunket nurse as a valuable resource for parents and caregivers.

When your child argues with you, it can… By Dr Anthony Kane
• Destroy your authority
• Erode respect
• Frustrate you
• Leave you feeling helpless, not knowing what to do
Even if you get your way, the mere fact that you are need to argue with your child takes away from your position as the parent, the one in charge.
But it doesn't have to be that way.
You can maintain control even when your child is arguing with you. And you can do this with one word....
The word is 'and'...

Here is how it works:
Let's say that your child is arguing with you about something.
Let your child state his case without interrupting. If your child is really heated up about the issue he may go on and on. You can tell that he is out of ammunition when he starts to repeat himself.
Once your child has finished venting, now it is your turn.
You reply in a three part sentence…

In part one you address your child by name and restate your child's position. This establishes that you are listening.

Part two is the word ‘and'. The word ‘and' is better than ‘but' because ‘but' implies conflict where the word ‘and' does not. In reality you are not in conflict. You both want what is best for your child. You just have different opinions of what that is.

Part three is what you want your child to do and that he is expected to comply. There is no further discussion on the point, no further debate, and no negotiating on the matter.
So this is what it sounds like:
"Mom, you are so unfair. All my friends are going away skiing in Vermont this weekend and you are not letting me go."
"Yes, Suzie, you feel that I am being unfair not letting you go and I maintain that you don't go."
"I can't stand it. You are treating me like a little child. Why can't I go?"
"I understand Suzie that you feel that I am treating you like a child and I am refusing to let you go."
"I hate you. You let Brad do anything he wants but you never let me do anything."
"I understand, Suzie, that you feel that I let your older brother do things and I don't let you do them and I am saying you cannot go. Now please excuse me. I need to go to the kitchen to get dinner ready."

How is your child going to respond to this approach?
He is going to hate it. Your child will be upset, he will argue, he may scream about how unfair you are. However, the most you ever do is to restate your original three part statement. There is no negotiating and explanations here. You may even leave the room if you need to do so. Just don't get sucked into an argument.

Is this going to work every time? No. Nothing will work every time. There is no magic here. However, what will happen is that you will not get side tracked onto other issues.
You will walk away from these confrontations feeling empowered and dignified, rather than feeling like a warm out rag.

The power of this strategy is that even when it doesn't make a bad situation good, it does make it better than it would be if you get sucked into the conflict.
Another great thing about this approach is that it works for all ages. You can begin using this approach as soon as your child is old enough to talk back and continue using it until your child is old enough to move out of the house.

Parents Inc Hint
What will make you most proud of your children as adults? How would you like them to turn out?
To some extent the quality of your children’s character is in your hands. What you value most will be what you invest in. If you desire that your children are honest, humble and courageous then you will spend some time inspiring them with heroes who emulate these qualities, modeling them yourself and training your child on what they look like on a daily basis. So set your sights on what really counts – character. Research shows that children who are read stories about inspiring people will have models in their heads to draw on in new situations. return to top

AND…

For keeping kids fit who are often glued to the TV.
Get your kids moving during TV advertisements.
Just for fun; as soon as an advertisement comes on TV, everyone has to jump, dance and move until the programme resumes.
How many push ups can you do, how many star jumps or how many times can you run around the house and finish with a forward roll?

What to Do When Your Child is Stealing By Anthony Kane, MD
Introduction: My Child, the Thief
One of the more common problems that we as parents encounter, but that nobody likes to talk about, is what to do when your child steals. There are a number of different reasons a child steals and a number of different ways to handle the problem.

Young children do not steal. Children below the age of four or five do not have a concept of ownership. They do not understand that it is wrong to take things that belong to others.

By the time a child enters elementary school, he should know that stealing is wrong. Often children at this age take things because they lack self-control.

A preteen or teen may steal for the thrill of it or because that is what friends are doing. He may be trying to gain a feeling of control over his life or to fill an emotional void.

Whatever the reason a child is stealing, the parents need to approach the problem with wisdom. If the parents just react according to their natural inclination, their response will almost certainly be wrong and destructive.

Why a Child Steals
1. Child Can't Control Himself.
Younger children have difficulty with self-control. A child may take something although he knows that stealing is wrong simply because he can't help himself. You have to give your child the ability to get what he wants in an honest way. Also, you must try to minimize the temptation.

2. Child's Basic Needs are Not Being Met.
Children are completely dependent on their parents for all of their needs. A child who feels that his needs are not being met will eventually take the matter into his own hands. The easiest way for a child to do this is to take what he needs.

What a person needs is subjective. Even though a parent may not feel that a child should have something, it might be a real need for the child. For example, if the child's school friends have pocket money, then your child could have a need for pocket money. He will feel a lack if he doesn't have it, even if you provide him with everything that he wants. This type of child may be tempted to steal money just so he has money like everybody else.

3. Child Needs More Attention.
Probably the most common reason that children steal is that they feel an emotional lack in their lives. A child who does not have his emotional needs met, feels empty inside. He may take things in an attempt to fill the void. Often children who steal are lonely, or having trouble in school or with friends. They lack the tools or the opportunity to express their feelings.

Many children do not get the attention they need. Such a child may feel unloved or that the parents are not interested in him.

This may or may not be true, how your child perceives your attention is more important than the amount of attention that you give.

These children may translate their emotional needs into material desires. Stealing is their way for these children to express their discontent and to seek gratification.

4. Child Needs to Have Control Over His Life.
Children are acutely aware of their vulnerability. They lack control over their lives. Some children have difficulty with this. If the child has trouble feeling dependant, he may steal to gain a sense of control or to rebel.

5. Peer Pressure.
Older children are pulled after what their friends do. If the child is with a group of children that feel stealing is exciting, the child may steal to be part of the group. Sometimes, a child may steal to show bravery to friends. If your child has fallen into a group of bad friends there are some very concrete things you can do to address the problem. return to top

What to Do When You Suspect Your Child is Stealing

1. Stay Calm.
Don't overreact. When a child steals it does not mean that he is a thief or is headed for a life of crime. It is really no different than any of mistake that your child makes.

2. Do not take it Personally.
Children steal to get attention. If your child is stealing from you and you take it as a personal attack you are reinforcing the reason the child stole.

3. Do Not Accuse or Confront Your Child.
This point must be stressed. You must catch your child in the act so that the situation speaks for itself.

You can never challenge your child with circumstantial evidence. Either the child will lie and you will reinforce his dishonesty or he will confess. If he tells the truth and you punish him, you will be teaching him that it pays to lie. Either way you are stuck. Circumstantial evidence won't do.

Hearing that your child stole from a third party won't do. If your child denies it, then you are forced to believe your child. If you don't, then you will show your child that you don't trust him. Nothing encourages a child to be dishonest more that knowing that his parents don't trust him. If the child confesses, you will not be able to punish him.
Even if you are 99% sure your child is stealing that is not good enough to accuse him.

For example, say that you look in your purse and the brand new $50 you took out from the bank yesterday is missing. You put your child's laundry away and you find hidden among his things your brand new $50. You did not catch your child. Maybe someone else also lost a new $50 bill and he found it. Maybe your $50 fell out of your purse and your child found it on the street. Unless you see your child reach into your purse and take out the $50 you did not see him steal.

4. Make Sure that Your Child Knows What He Did is Wrong This is particularly true of a younger child.

What to Do When You Catch Your Child
Don't ask the child for explanations. Merely state that he is not allowed to take things from other people. Do not sermonize. Just use simple explanations.

"Stealing is wrong. You would not want anyone to take your toy. So it's wrong for you to take this toy."

Never imply that your child is bad. Stealing is bad, not the child. Do not call your child a thief, dishonest, or a liar or any other name that you do not want him to become. When you give your child a label, he will grow to fill that label.

Correcting the Wrong
If Your Child stole from someone Outside the Family Your child must make restitution. If your child stole from a store or from a neighbour, then see that he returns the object. Have your child apologize and say he or she will never do it again. You should accompany your child to make it easier for him to correct the damage.

If Your Child Stole Money from You
Estimate what child took and make it clear that the child must pay you back. He may do this by helping around the house for money. You should pay him enough that he pays off his debt in about a month. Say to him that you realize he needs more money and give him an allowance or increase in allowance.

Hide Temptation
Don't leave money around where the child can find it. Tell his siblings that you are going to watch their money for a while. Don't tell them why. Don't send this child to the store to buy something with a large bill where there will be a lot of change.

Putting the Incident into the Past
Figure Out Why Your Child Stole.
If he needs more attention make a special effort to give it too him. If he needs to feel more control over his life, give him an increase in allowance and more freedom to spend it as he wishes. If he needs certain things to be part of his peer group, make sure that he gets them.

Continue to Trust Your Child.
If your child is stealing it does not mean he is bad or he is a thief. You don't want your reaction to make him become that way. Your child will fulfil your expectations of him. If you view him as a thief, bad, or dishonest he will grow into that label.

Be a Model of Honesty.
Children learn by watching their parents. You should show concern about the property rights of others. A parent who brings office supplies home or boasts about a mistake at the supermarket checkout counter, teaches his child that honesty is not important.

Conclusion.
Stealing is a common problem. You should view it like any other mistake your child makes. It is something that has to be corrected, but it is not more than that. If you handle it properly, you can correct this problem quickly and easily. return to top

My grand-daughter
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly, I used to take my 4-year-old grand daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!' ?

It’s so easy to be plain old grumpy with the ones you love the most.
It might be time to ask yourself
“How much fun am I to be around?”
Grumbling and moaning, growling and eye rolling does not inspire children.

Try this – start the day with a warm greeting, a special treat in the cereal,
a note on their mirror that tells them “have an awesome day”
and a generous hug with the words

“I am so fortunate to be your Nana/Poppa”
Watch the reaction and smile!

Shy children
Hi - I have a 4-year-old who is very shy in new situations. He is great at home or in places he knows, but around new kids, people, and situations he shuts down for quite a while. We try to encourage him and tell him we know it can be a little intimidating, and that may or may not help. What can I do to help him? Thank you!

Thank you for your question. Here are a few tips from my book, to help your shy kid gain confidence in social settings. I have one of these critters myself so I know where you’re coming from. Hope these help.

1. Give warm up time. Shyer kids need more time to warm up. They usually hang back at first and “watch” so let him. He’s soaking up the information and gaining confidence. Don’t push. Big mistake. Instead show him the “first thing he can do.” (Like go to the puzzle, find the swing, walk to one friend). And don’t (please don’t) label your child shy. Studies at Stanford University found that though shyness is usually the temperament our kids are born with, LABELING them shy can become self-fulfilling. (One of my kids was shy and whenever someone used the term in front of him I switched it. “No, he’s very cognitive.” Everyone begin to think he was in the genius category – but it saved his self-esteem.

2. Encourage eye contact. A simple but important skill to teach a shy child is eye contact. First, because it will make your child appear more confident (shyer kids generally hang their heads down and look timid—because they are) and second, because it’s a skill that well-liked kids use. It will help your child gain social confidence. As you’re talking with your child teach one rule, “Always look at the color of the talker’s eyes.”
By consciously reinforcing the skill and modeling it regularly, your child will soon be using eye contact. Tip: If your kid is uncomfortable about using eye contact, tell him to look at the bridge of the speaker’s nose. With a few practices, she usually no longer needs the technique, and will look more confidently into the speaker’s eyes.

3. Rehearse social situations. Prepare your kid for an upcoming social event by describing the setting, expectations, and the attendees. Shy kids are more anxious. Their little hearts are beating and the fear factor is high. Then help him practice the FIRST thing he can do when he goes into the birthday party (give the present to the mom; say hi to the birthday boy) etc. Later you can add how to meet others, table manners, basic conversational skills, and even how to say good-bye gracefully. Just remember kids learn new skills best by SHOWING not TELLING. So role play over and over and over the skill.

4. Practice skills with younger peers. Try pairing your child with a younger child for brief play periods (a younger cousin, neighbour, or one of your friend’s younger kids). It will help your child feel more comfortable and practice new skills that can be intimidating with more “mature” kids.

5. Arrange one-on-one play opportunities to build social confidence. This is a time when your kid invites only one child over for a couple of private play hours to get to know one another and practice friendship-making skills. Siblings should not be included and television viewing should not be a play option. return to top

All the best! Michele Borba. Dr

To Laugh...
To laugh often and love much;
to win the respect of intelligent persons
and the affection of children;
to earn the approbation of honest critics;
to appreciate beauty;
to give of one's self;
to leave the world a bit better;
whether by a healthy child;
a garden patch or a redeemed social condition;
to have played and laughed with enthusiasm
and sung with exultation;
to know even one life has breathed easier
because you have lived -
that is to have succeeded.

- By Ralph Waldo Emerson

Di
National Convenor and the team.
heoi ano, na

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